Friday, November 30, 2007

Conscious, Unconscious, Subconscious and Self-conscious

This might be one of those posts you run back to at 2am and delete.
I could have sworn that when Gracie and I walk, it is at least a half an hour. Time seems to stand still as she drags me down the street, the remembrance of Puppy Training remaining in my mind only. My knees certainly think that it's longer, and my lower back screams at me. It's only about 20 minutes. I have to step that up.
I haven't been to Curves for week and am feeling every missed session.
Right before the Fainting and Falling episodes, I was feeling pretty darned good. I even called Connie and said..."Hey, I am feeling pretty darned good!" The pain that I had for years when I breathe was pretty much gone...the ribs felt better, the neck looser, the knees were better, the headache gone.
Thanksgiving was really pleasant and I had the energy to do everything. Not even a nap. Friday after that, I decided to start some, as I lovingly call it, "Crap-Hunting." Did you know there is a lot of stuff in your house that you don't need? I was blissfully cleaning and went through drawers and shelves and tossed stuff. Couple of bags full and some charity items. I planned on resuming on Saturday. Friday night was a fun night out with the guys for my suggestion, no less. Usually, after 7pm is a push for me. Party girl.
Then Saturday happened, and my neck and head haven't been the same. When I hit the first time I smacked my head against the dog's kennel, smooshed the head against it, and then the floor. Luckily, there was a rug there. The next 3 times were lucky, too....concrete hit from just a couple of feet, and wastebaskets hit. I came to in a plastic trash can thinking, "Gee, this is a really small room."
No one in the ER nor my personal dr. are worried about these episodes, nor my poor widdle head. I just don't think I've been the same since, though.
Maybe it's the "blankness" of passing out that freaks me. I've never in my life fainted before. Ever. Was this like death? Why is there such a loss of everything? At least when you sleep you have....thoughts.
Maybe it's because my husband just stood there each time with no concern that I kept passing out. That kinda hurts.
Maybe it's because I'm in pain now, all over again. I thought I had some victory over that; it was short and passing.
I was talking to someone and they said something about asking for angels for someone...and they were actually seen. I thought, as she said that, gee...where were MY angels?
What a selfish thought. I could hear in my head, "We were right there with you."
I only managed to paint a couple of days this week; I did some computer work at home, though, and the usual errand running and grocery stuff....but mostly I felt lazy and useless. I often wonder if I am just lazy and useless and my dis-ease is a mere manifestion of my lazy-and-uselessness. If I get well, I might have to DO something. Does anyone else with chronic dis-ease think like this?
So, I decide to wipe the slate clean for this last week and be more forgiving to myself. Tomorrow I will start over. I will live in the present and not worry about what happened, or what might happen.

You do it, too, okay?


codepoke said...

Hey. Glad I saw this before it maybe went away. I'll remember you to the Lord, sister. I could not feel much sadder for you. :-(

> I often wonder if I am just lazy and useless and my dis-ease is a mere manifestion of my lazy-and-uselessness. If I get well, I might have to DO something.

Every chronically ill person worries about this (except the ones who should, of course). Even through the single dimension of a blog and email, your love of life shows through, and your love of work cannot be missed. You need to let yourself be ill, let yourself rest, let yourself heal every chance you get. Please? OK?

Milly said...

I'm glad this one is still here also. I have passed out a few times and yes it is odd and frightening. I’ve landed in furniture. Your husband, most likely is concerned he just doesn’t want to show it. Men are different folk.
I’m praying for ya

karen said...

Thank you, Kevin. I will.
Milly, that helps to know it has happened to others--I wish it didn't. Thank you both.

Missy said...

1) OUCH!! Girl, it would totally freak me out to pass out like that.

2) I bet if you asked around, you wouldn't find a soul who thought you were lazy and useless.

3) I know that it wouldn't matter and you would still feel that way.

4) If you try that living in the present thing, so will I! We can pray for each other.

Lots of love!

Kansas Bob said...

This was so good Karen.. so transparent.. so much from your heart. It is so representative of how many of us feel when we hurt. I love that you ended in a place where you decided to wipe the slate clean and be more forgiving to yourself.

Dave. said...

Keep on keeping on dearest Karen. You have made the best decision in wiping the slate clean but I also know how hard it is to forgive yourself. I am so blessed that Kriss keeps telling me off for blaming myself over stuff. We need to stop speaking negative stuff into our lives and remember that, in Christ, we are a new creation!

Don R said...

It's great that you recognize that you need to forgive yourself. All of us need to do that more often. God has forgiven us; we must too.
I admire your honesty so much.

Barbara (aka Layla) said...

Oh Karen, I am glad you did not delete this. I know you are not looking for pity or sympathy - that is so not you - but I do feel bad for you. I've known quite a few people will chronic illness that kind of gave up and don't do much - YOU on the other hand do way more than I do and you have way more issues to deal with physically. I don't know where your angel was or what your husband was thinking but I hope next time they both show a little more concern. I would freak out if you (or anyone) fainted!

Praying your feel better, stronger and experience WAY less pain with each passing moment.

karen said...

Missy, yes ma'am, we prayin' we're livin' in the moment!
KB...I know you know what I'm talking about. I'll bet you and Ann go through this many times.
Thank you, Dave..I know you know about this stuff, too! Let's remember Who we have on our side!
Yep, Don...we all need to forgive ourselves more...we offer that up to others, right?
Barbara, thanks for your encouraging words--I've had "giving up" fleeting thoughts and they scare, too, know what I'm talking about with your walk.
Thank you all for your encouragement...I know each one of you has walked this or IS walking this.
Blog world is amazing.

Robert said...

oh wow karen so glad i came over here before this went down and outta sight my heart goes out to you lovely friend you sure DO carry out so much in your life far from *giving up* and I pray along with everyone else you find deeper peace comfort and energy as a result of your *clean slate* I am seeking to forgive myself as you said too wanting to join the walk with you day by day ty for being so open karen xx

Joe said...

Yes, I often question whether I'm just lazy when I'm not feeling up to doing something. Don't believe a word of your negative thoughts.

I spent years fainting after having a major illness when I was a teen. Often I just blacked out with no warning. I don't think I ever hurt myself although I broke a few things when I fell on them and once fainted just as I started down a stairway in a split-level house (my brother was so entertained by my fall that I woke up to his uncontrolled laughter). Like you, I don't remember what I was doing just before I fainted.

Perhaps you should question why your doctor dismisses your fainting without understanding it.

Hang in there.

karen said...

JOE! Wow...I hope those are never happening again. Brothers are helpful, aren't they? :-(

Yeah, they say it's not uncommon, especially as I was dehydrated...they did a short EKG. I think it's a vasovagal nerve problem.
I hope.
I'm still pestering them.