Where have I been?

Saw friend Donna in the store the other day. That's where we pretty much see each other when we see each other. ;-)
She said, "You're not writing much..." and I realized she meant my blog here. I haven't been here since February. Why is that? I talk about Facebook being so easy, yet voyeuristic. And, yet, I don't blog. Facebook has begun to make me feel vulnerable, too exposed. Too many coworkers, etc., that I'm friends with...I don't want everyone to know the inner workings of my life. Most don't know about this blog. I want to keep it that way.
I've had a rough patch these past months. Up and down Lupus numbers. I'm lucky that it's so mild...but fatigue is a difficult thing. People don't understand dragging through days sometimes. I love my job, though, and can always find the energy to go there. A smile or a hug from a child certainly transfers energy to my soul. These two weeks off were welcome since I've been battling bronchitis on top of everything else...but now I'll need to use the next week to rest up! No matter how much I resist, for some reason, since I'm the female...the holidays seem to rest upon my shoulders. It doesn't matter if I say I'm not up to it...I always cave and always do too much.
We have a new person in the house. A friend of my sons' who battles a few demons of his own. His family is very dysfunctional, and suffice to say, he has suffered for it. He has no car, is working, but no one in his family will house him and help him get back on his feet. He was in a car accident a few years ago, and his dad kept the insurance money instead of giving it to him for a down payment on a new car.
No car....hard to work. His mother, a hoarder and alcoholic whose other children won't speak to her, locked him out of the apartment in cold rain. His brother offered him a place to sleep....in his car. These people say they are Christians.
He has a job now. Is saving money for a car. We'll be going to an auction soon, I hope.
I've seen so much selfishness, so much egocentrism, dishonesty, and arrogance lately that my heart is hurting. I don't understand. Can the world truly revolve around everyone individually all at once?? ;-)
So, this story and a bunch of others weigh on my heart and I cling to my little ones at school because I see sparks of love in them...and I want to feed that love. Maybe they'll remember that some old lady named Ms. D. told them that they would change the world for the better..and maybe they will! There is so much potential in these kids. What happens to alter us so horribly when we grow up?
Is this a bummer of a post?? Ha! Sorry. I'm pondering, and will continue to do so......Merry Christmas! Praying for the blessings of the Holy Spirit upon you all.

Why? Why??

I don't know why I hang on the facebook thing. It's like voyeurism...a quick peek at everyone's life.

This takes more work. I've already talked about it, but maybe I'm getting lazy in my old age.

I've applied and been accepted in an alternative certification process for special ed. I'll eventually get certified to teach art...that should be easy, but the special ed kids just pull at my heart. I overheard some teachers complaining about one of my kiddos the other day, and it really stabbed at me. I'm subbing for a long period for a teacher who is out with an injury. I'll be replaced after I'm there close to 30 days for a certified special ed sub because I'm not "highly qualified" yet. Good luck is all I can say to that sub. I've known the kids I'm working with for 4 years. I'm worried about when they have a stranger with them. It's been hard enough without their regular teacher that they've known even longer than me.

Spent a night and a day in the hospital being poked and prodded after a suspected TIA; my regular Dr. thinks it is a sciatic thing. I lost almost all sensation in a leg. Kinda freaked me out and made me reconsider working full time. It seems my working has just been interupted with family and me being sick...my dad was in the hospital for gallbladder removal a month or so ago. I spent a week up in his neck of the woods bouncing back and forth between the hospital and making sure my step mom was okay with home health care.

I'm on prednisone and fighting every impulse to eat anything that comes my way. Chocolate...fear me!! It's just a short course, so hopefully the damage won't be done too much.

Getting older is freaky. I've gotten so much joy out of working with these kids, the days fly by. It won't be easy, but we'll see where God is leading.

I have a few hospital stories to share...both from my dad's stay, and mine. God made Himself known both places! Next time! :-)

Waiting on a new year

Just hoping that the next season is gentler on some of us.

Here are my new babies. I hope your Christmas was merry and your new year blessed!!

Those special people....

I'm posting his name.....Michael Stephen Dunn. My friend and brother in Christ. Sometimes people come into your life that change the way you think about life, God, living, ministering.
Mike did that for me and for many others....some who may not even know that the man was praying for them. Mike passed away today from struggling with the effects of chemo on his body.
He is finally where he has always wanted to be....in the arms of our Creator.

For Gracie and all the dogs we've loved before.....

Emily's Amazing Grace * September 17, 2003-October 1, 2009

Missing you so.

Long time, no see...

It's been a while. Lots of stuff going on. Dog is still here. She is an amazing Grace. Not only here, but happy and energetic. They are amazed. I don't know how long this will be, but I hope there is no suffering for her.
I'm going to get to all of your blogs this weekend! I must catch up. It's been too long, you've all been in my thoughts and prayers. I love that some of you are on Facebook. If you are and I don't know it, let me know.
Have a wonderful weekend. Stay cool, for all of you in the Northern Hemisphere!

Update

Just back from the vet for acupuncture for Gracie; we haven't checked her kidney numbers in a couple of weeks--decided that she's feeling good, eating, playing, etc., and there's not anything more we can do for her than we're already doing. I've got her routine down pretty good. Dr. says it appears she isn't in any pain, etc., and I think that's true because she knocks me over in the morning to get outside to play. I think they are surprised.
We are really blessed! Thanking God, and thank you so much for prayers and good thoughts!
I have no idea when or how things will happen (who does about anything?), which has been a valuable lesson through all of this. We are learning to take things a day at a time. Or, at least, still trying.

Things I've learned from Gracie:

Greet the new day with anticipation.
Play whenever you can.
Greet everyone as a friend.
Forgive.
Look at the same old things as if they're new.
Nap when possible.
Get some sun.
Listen
Walk. A lot.
Live in the moment.
Live with joy.

Added "listen." She does that very well....

One day at a time....

..That's what Gracie is teaching me (with our Dad at the helm, of course). She's had good days, and we're heading off to the vet in a little bit to check her blood. She'll get some acupuncture, too. Last week it jazzed her up, and it made us both feel better. The lesson here is really that we're only promised this day. Gracie wakes up with a smile on her face and is still rarin' to go. Skinny girl, but eats enough to chase the ball and squirrels.

Robert is heading to Iraq. His wife sent me the send-off pictures from Ft. Hood and those made me cry. 12 to 16 months. I worry about him, and will just have to put him in God's hands.

Like just about everything else, right?

This song from Downhere has comforted me these days:



Yes, Marc Martel sounds (and looks) a lot like Freddie Mercury as evidenced by this little number he did for a church that had a message based on Bohemian Rhapsody. Incredible:

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills --where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip --He who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you --the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm --

He will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more.

Thanks, Connie

Poster copyright 2009 kkd

Sweet

Here's my boy, and his proud dad looking on during a visit a couple weeks ago. Robert's
grandmother passed away this week, so it's been rough on all of them. Robert ships out on the 15th of April to Iraq. I'm pretty much not happy about that.

Shaky start to the new year. . .

Hmmmm. Maybe it'll get better.
Robert and wife, after actually living together for a month or so as a family, married over a year,(along with several other issues) have decided to call it quits. None of us are happy about this, of course, because Michael is at the top of our concerns. However, the kids are looking out for his best interests (so are we all!) and staying in the same town; both will be financially sound as Bob's wife is in the police academy there. She'll be a good officer. Bob is headed to Afghanistan in a couple of months.
No stress there. Please pray for them, and the little one especially.

Family Feets

Just postin' cuz I liked it....can you guess which ones are Gracie's? ;-)

Saturday afternoons. . .

I hear that cats and dogs aren't supposed to get along, but Lizzie and Gracie didn't get the memo. I love days like this. Quiet, overcast, chilly without being outrageously cold. Working on a couple of client projects and sipping some java. Most excellent. I hope your day is special.

2 Generations. . .

My dad and me, Thanksgiving 2008. He still thinks he's taller than I am. :-) He doesn't look 76, I think. We all had a great day. Hope yours was, too.

3 Generations

This month marked the 11th anniversary of my mom's death. We took this picture quite a while ago ;-). I am the only woman left in this line. My mom was a holiday queen...holidays were very important to her and she resented her mom, Millie, on the left because Millie couldn't be bothered much. I admired my mom for doing the holidays in grand style...but I also admired why my grandmother wasn't a holiday fan. She was too busy, really. She was a single mom for a time, kicking her ex-husband out of the house for raising a hand to my mother as an infant. My grandmother got them through the depression by working as a hairdresser. When she met my grandpa, Sam, he decided it was his dream to live on the family farm and my city grandma became a farm woman. She plowed straight into it, and ran a small garden as well as the rest of the farm house, barns, animals, and life in general. Millie was...um...shall we say, a little on the cranky and snappish side most of the time. But, I admire her for her hard work. I admire my mom because she was the ultimate house manager. Everything was in order, spotless, ALL the time, even when she became ill. She was the glue that held us together, expanded family and all. It all changed when she passed. I'm not the one to carry that torch, but my kids and I have great memories because of it.
Holidays at our home are lower key. They are about all of us together, laughing, watching movies, and yep...eating. Instead of spending my time in the kitchen, they want me in the living room. Gifts are kept to a minimum, while the reason for the season is at the center. Expectations are different; I guess I could lament in some of the changes, but it's the people I miss, not the trappings.
In honoring their families, each generation takes from the last and forges their own traditions.

Thankful

Caught another bug this weekend, thanks to a sick teacher who felt compelled to cough on all of us. I actually got angry Monday morning when I woke up with a fever. I was looking forward to meeting with Missy and her hubby for breakfast--my only chance to see her for a spell. I decided fuming wasn't productive..although the adrenaline may be helping my recovery! Instead of fuming, I chose to count blessings instead. . .

When I am ill, I'm thankful that I'm alive
When I have pain, I'm thankful that I can feel
When there is too much going on, I'm thankful for my family
When the alarm rings too early, I'm thankful that I can work
When the phone rings endlessly, I'm thankful I have friends
When there is ugliness all around, I'm thankful that I can see
When my tinnitus is at its loudest, I'm thankful that I can hear
When my feet hurt, I'm thankful that I can walk
When life is overwhelming, I'm thankful for Yahweh

What are you thankful for?

Rough days. . .

Warning: Whining alert! ;-)

The last couple of weeks have been rough. I came down with some kind of virus a week ago Sunday. Chills, fever, extensive muscle pain. I wasn't sure if it was some horrid lupus flare or what. Went to the doctor Tuesday after and got a script for antibiotic "just in case" and ended up taking it. It helped. . . now on probiotics to fix the after effects of antibiotic.

The Wednesday morning after election night we get a call around 2:30 am ---those calls that just about stop your heart. . .it was a life alert company for my brother. He had fallen when going to the bathroom, somehow hit his head against a dining room chair and cut it so severely that he couldn't stop the bleeding. He and I have gone back and forth about him wearing his life alert necklace to bed. He was afraid he'd set it off in his sleep (not gonna happen) so he wasn't wearing it. (What does some stupid sister know?) Therefore, as he was bleeding nearly to death, he had to crawl over to the button station in his living room and hit it to alert the company.

Had he lost consciousness (and given the amount of blood he lost, it's a miracle he didn't) he would have bled to death. I would estimate, from the 'crime' scene, he lost at least 2 pints of blood. . .rapidly. He severed a vein and they had a dickens of a time stopping it in the hospital. We spent a very long 5 hours in ER; me running a fever and looking like hell, and my brother sleeping peacefully as fluids were being pumped into him. So, I finally started to comfortably doze off in his little room as we waited for CT results, my head in my hand, and he yells, "WHAT'S THE MATTER?!?"

So, once again, we battled him to get a script for home health care, and to pay for a private pay "sitter" to stay with him for the time he needed to be watched. They wanted someone with him for 24 hours, expecting me to do so (He was to be awakened every 2 hours all day and night). Hubby nixed that, and the wrestle began. He didn't want to pay someone to stay with him overnight...but I drew a boundary line and he relented. Some of my family think I'm pretty selfish for having boundaries, I think.

I worked at home for the next few days trying to play catch-up and managed to snag a cool mural job. That didn't take very long, and was fun....I was given carte-blanche to "just do it." I loved that.

I subbed today at the school where the student who is emotionally disturbed goes. I had emailed his teacher a few times last week to see if I could come and visit with him at lunch. No responses. Apparently, he was doing okay after a week at a psychiatric hospital after medication adjustments. I showed up for work today expecting to be able to give him a big birthday hug--but he was taken back to the hospital and no one told me. The prognosis isn't good for long term and he may end up in a state hospital indefinitely. He's becoming violent to himself and others.
This hit me hard. The last time he ended up in the hospital was on a day that I had been gone for a week because they had a potential hire for the job I kept subbing for. I showed up that day to fill in and he was...not him....if you know what I mean. Different.
It breaks my heart. I came home and just cried. He hasn't had a chance. His parents are horrible. His only chance has been his grandmother. . .and she has given up.
Would you pray for him? I can't say his name, but God will know who you're praying for. Thanks.

(Yes....it's funny and ironic that I can have such compassion for a near stranger, yet set boundaries and get frustrated with my brother. Jesus said there'd be days like that. . . .)

Big move. . .

My littlest soldier moves to Ft. Hood today.

Moving is tiring.

He saw a comfy spot

and crashed. That's the

quietest he's been all day!

Waiting for the paint to dry. . .

I'm working on a little prop for my choral group. We're in a talent show in October and we're singing, "Turn Your Radio On."
I'm the youngest member of this group, but they have blessed my socks off. So, I'm making the "radio" and it ain't goin' as well as I thought, but there's still time to pull the rabbit outta the hat. Remembering I'm doing it cuz I love 'em. Here's a bad picture of my little Philco prop.

Brother is remarkably better. Praise God, and thank you for prayers. This incident reminded me of what I must do...and what I mustn't. I will be pressing him to get on a private pay company's rolls so that in the future, I don't kill myself trying to care give. Frankly, it's unnatural for siblings to do that level of care. He has the funds to maintain a quality lifestyle for a lonnnnng time. Thanks, Pat, especially, for helping me work through that since you've been there. Thanks all for your support!

The most important news is that Robert is home for a few days. Then he is off to Ft. Hood. He didn't make it into the Special Ops group that he had hoped for. Maybe that's a blessing. He would have had to go to torture camp (still may have to) and the unfortunate news is that he will most likely be deployed in the next few months. However, he will be working on a base in a hanger doing his chopper work. He really wants to get into some dangerous work, EOD (handling explosives that haven't gone off) and the Army psychologist told him he'd rock in Special Forces. I already knew that. For now, he says he will do his time quietly in the hanger until further thought processes. He has a wife and child to think about now. He has always walked on the edge.

More later. I'm digesting some blogs that I've read lately.

Spilling my guts...

Kurt is more mobile, but his balance is terrible...which is normal. The case manager nurse thinks it may be an exacerbation of his SOPCA (sporadic olivoponticerebellar ataxia) There's one for your word files.

Well, sadly, the nurse knows less than we do. We just don't know. He is weaker because he's been laying around. I left him to go run some errands and he took a nap; when I got back he was back in his wheelchair, had his fanny pack on, and almost made it to the door to greet me. He is being careful not to hurt himself because he knows that will be really, really bad. I spent a bit of time tracking down the doctor who ordered the MRI, and we don't have those results back. I turned that search over to our family doc. I'll be surprised (pleasantly) if he didn't suffer a teeny TIA. I've done a little searching and actually found that some with similar disorders have had improvement with traditional Chinese medicine. Not surprising...it's helped me. I may take him to my Chinese doc. It may give him a positive feeling. That cannot hurt a bit, and may make all the difference. Anyway, he got into his scooter and joined his "under the stairway" apartment friends for a bit of a chat.

Otherwise, I think he may do better with physical therapy; perhaps it will buy him independence for a bit longer. Or, maybe that's the 1/2 oz of wine I'm ingesting right now talking. I figure grapes are natural, and it seems to be taking the edge off the freaking anxiety I'm having. Don't worry. No plans to become an alcoholic. My tolerance lasts for about that 1/2 oz. I'm done, but I feel better.

The case nurse found out I have lupus, and suggested that I don't need this stress. Well, no, this kind of stress is just for other folks, certainly not ME! Heck, NO ONE needs this kind of stress! My dad lives this 24/7. Kansas Bob lives this 24/7. The big difference, though, is, this is not my husband, nor my child. This is my brother, who I think is really a good person at heart, but has chosen to be pissy to me most of my life.

I'm admitting right here. I'm scared, I'm tired, and I really don't want to deal with this. Some Christian gal, huh? I am seeing the road down the way. I should be grateful that I'm on the delivery end, not the receiving end. Shame on me. Truly.

I tended my grandparents. I tended my mom. I tended my in-laws. This is different. Not a parent, nor a child. Of course, I feel compassion for him...let me tell you, it's a cruel disease; but my compassion is mixed with irritation and I am ashamed. I get flashbacks about my childhood, growing up with him. When he was able he beat on me every chance he got. My mother and father enabled him by not making him live on his own when it would have been optimum timing to do so. When I had kids, he says he loves them, I'm sure he does, but he has been jealous of their "normalcy" and has picked on them. He couldn't drive, so it was easier to have him live at home for convenience. He didn't live on his own til my mom died when he was 42. My dad remarried and set him out on his own in an apartment. I moved him closer to us when my stepmom became ill with supranuclear progressive palsy, so he could be independent, but not a 25 mile drive for me. Dad's pretty well tied up.
Supranuclear progressive palsy.
There's another one for your word file.

Thank you for your prayers. I guess I need them for my hard heart. This may be one of those I delete in a couple of minutes, because you'll surely think I'm mean.
Thanks to my Kentucky blog friend for the call. Blogworld truly rocks. Thanks, Connie, for the encouraging calls and strong Words. Thanks, Kyle, for stepping up to help your ol' mom. You make me proud.
Thank you all for your support. It means the world to me.