God's promises

I feel like I've just come home from an exhausting battle. A mini-hell, so to speak. I took great comfort from your comments on my last post. I tried so hard to get the anxiety I was experiencing under control, to no avail. Rational thought, logic, meditation, self-hypnosis...nothing worked. What a nightmare! I'd wake up in the morning in a panic attack every morning....for no real reason. I'd look at a picture and it would touch off some memory...that would then set off an anxiety attack, sadness, feelings of loss. All the things in life that gave me joy were stolen by fear and panic. I ended up taking low doses of xanax so I could just get enough calm to talk off the negative thoughts, the "ANTs" as Dr. Amen, that brain dude, calls them. Automatic Negative Thoughts.
I thought I was going insane. I remembered my mom and my grandmother being anxious all the time and I regretted every irritated thought that I remember I had when they would express anxiousness (which they usually did in an irritated way.) I thought, okay, this is payback for lack of patience.
I decided to go to the doctor and get all hormones checked. My DHEA came back very low for my age; 2 others were high. I have to have another couple tests on Monday, but for the last week and a half, doc has had me on a high dose of DHEA for 5 days, and lower dose for the rest of this month.
No more anxiety.
I had a stressful week and was sure that it would set me off, but no attacks.
Is it that simple?! Amazing. DHEA. Who would have thought? My Chinese doc's been trying to get me to take that for over a year.
Now I have to get through the tests on Monday; a bit concerned, but not losing any sleep over it. Peace in a little bottle, and not xanax.
Then, in retrospect, I felt so bad for my mom and grandma. Mom took lots of cortisone for her lupus...and probably was suffering the same effects. This makes me sad, but I pray and I believe they are now no longer in any mood but joyful!
A couple summers ago, we had to have our backyard trees taken out, leaving a constant barren and sun-filled garden. Not being able to hang out in the sun, I was disappointed. I had a rose bush, Lady Jane roses I think, by my garden wall but they never produced roses. Too much shade. This year has been a bounty. There are even more on this bush now than when the picture was taken.
I thought about God's promises. He doesn't promise that we won't suffer loss, but He does promise that He'll be there with us. He turns mourning into gladness. Whatever has been taken in my life has always been replaced with something amazing--blessings after loss.
I hope you are walking in blessings and gladness, too.

Those special people....

I'm posting his name.....Michael Stephen Dunn. My friend and brother in Christ. Sometimes people come into your life that change the way you think about life, God, living, ministering.
Mike did that for me and for many others....some who may not even know that the man was praying for them. Mike passed away today from struggling with the effects of chemo on his body.
He is finally where he has always wanted to be....in the arms of our Creator.

For Gracie and all the dogs we've loved before.....

Emily's Amazing Grace * September 17, 2003-October 1, 2009

Missing you so.

August Ramblings...

This is long. If you don't feel like wading through, at least read the last paragraph and verse. ;-)

I've been absent here...Facebook draws attention and addiction, but I want to put things here that I'm feeling...stuff that I don't want on FB. It has its merit, but sometimes we forget who all is reading that....that happens here, too, but I've kept my blog a bit of a secret to some friends and family.

This has been a roller-coaster season for me. I've been angry. I've been depressed. I've been frustrated. I've been joyful. I've been at utter peace and in utter desperation. Missy has been reporting on her journey with auto-immune disease. It makes me mad that she is going through this and brings back my journey of 20 some years ago when it officially began. I have several friends struggling so mightily that it makes me beyond pissed off. Robert's dealing with his heart issues--so unfair that a man with such a good heart is struggling with that physical heart. I have friends with cancer. My brother and stepmom's neurological diseases are progressing--Jill at Altered with ALS, KB and wife Ann struggling. We learn so much from these struggles; everyone has a journey, but now at my age, it begins to create more fear and anger. I'm supposed to be a mature spiritual person, and these things aren't supposed to phase me as much anymore, right? It seems I am able to handle them less.

Struggling on a day to day basis with my best furry friend has been heartbreaking, exhilarating, and frustrating all in one. Some folks won't understand the caring so much for a dog, but this one is special to me because she has changed my life. It's so unfair to watch her spirit, her life, her happiness, knowing that vital organs are failing, and yet be blessed that she is doing so well. She doesn't want to eat kidney diet food, so I have to prepare special stuff for her. When she turns her nose up at stuff I've labored over, it really gets me. A lot of people wouldn't even do this for their pets. I just can't give up for now. I had guilt over missed symptoms, but I think I've been relieved of that, believing that God has big plans for us all, in all circumstances. Women get bent out of shape when loved ones won't eat, don't you think? My guys say, "She's not hungry, forget it." Dogs are ALWAYS hungry. She wants to eat what she wants to eat, so that's where we are. Quality of life over quantity. Women, when someone dies or is sick, cook. We are life-bringers. Food=life. That's what we do.


I've never been on so much medication in my life. My lupus has flared, and I'm on a bunch of stuff I would never have touched before. Supplements, too. Only 2 medications pictured here are essential to my survival...my thyroid meds. The rest are treating symptoms of pain, fatigue, and depression. I take them with an open mind and a prayer that it is only for a short time. I am so tired, I fall asleep when I sit for any length of time.

Yet, still, if you've read this far, I have hope. Not Obama hope, mind you. ;-)
I've applied for a full time job that may open up in the next few weeks at the school that I love. It's not available yet, but God will figure all that out. I'm still a sub. I've worked on murals through this lupus season. I keep yelling at God, and He sticks with me no matter what.

The other day I was filling up my car with gas and I looked around at all the people wandering around without talking to each other. The TV show, "Joan of Arcadia" came to mind....God talks to Joan through other people, stepping into them to give her a word, a scolding, etc. I actually started berating God under my breath..."What's all this about, huh? What's with all the suffering?! Why are you letting good people hurt? Why can't you send one of these people over to give me a WORD....SOMETHING, ANYTHING from you that can soften this anger I have?! I don't want to be angry with You!" Nothing. I finished filling up and paying and went on my way. I needed to pick up some stuff from the vet, so walked in and it was empty except for a woman with a young, black mixed-breed dog. The dog's face was battle-scarred. White, furless, lines showed through the short black fur on her face. Scars showed up over her body. Yet, for whatever she had been through, she ambled over to me when I sat down. She put her paws on my knees, then reached a paw up to my face. I leaned over, placing my hands on her, softly petting her. She gave me sweet doggie kisses. Her owner came over and sat. I said, "What a sweet girl you have. What is her name?"
The woman responded, "Grace."
Ask and receive. :-)

Matthew 11:28-30 (New International Version)
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

My breaking heart

My sweet and beautiful lab, Gracie, has kidneys that are failing. The vet hasn't given up on her yet, and we will take her one more day tomorrow for IV fluids. I beat myself up because I should have seen signs (that really weren't there) and been more vigilant. I have had her on a strict kidney diet and she gets lots of love, play, and exercise. All she exhibited was pickiness in food, not wanting to eat her kidney diet food; but would happily eat anything else. But, we knew she had kidney problems from birth and they had given her about a year to live. She's 5 and a half now. I am struggling so hard. This beauty saved my life.....but I don't think I can save hers.

Must have put my foot in my mouth one too many times. . .

Anyone out there have plantar fasciitis? My left foot is giving me fits. It's such a little thing, but I was really enjoying my walking. I walked at school, I walked around the neighborhood with the dog, I walked at the rec center. I NEED to walk, I CRAVE it, but I'm grounded right now, and I'm hopping (literally) mad. My overall pain had decreased considerably with exercise. Now, pain is all focused on one freakin' foot.
I have excellent walking shoes, I buy ol' granny SAS shoes, etc. I have orthotics, and still the dang thing is flared. I'm rigging up a night splint, but guess will need to order a "real" one.
Any advice other than rest, drugs, splinting, orthotics?