Friday, April 16, 2010

God's promises

I feel like I've just come home from an exhausting battle. A mini-hell, so to speak. I took great comfort from your comments on my last post. I tried so hard to get the anxiety I was experiencing under control, to no avail. Rational thought, logic, meditation, self-hypnosis...nothing worked. What a nightmare! I'd wake up in the morning in a panic attack every morning....for no real reason. I'd look at a picture and it would touch off some memory...that would then set off an anxiety attack, sadness, feelings of loss. All the things in life that gave me joy were stolen by fear and panic. I ended up taking low doses of xanax so I could just get enough calm to talk off the negative thoughts, the "ANTs" as Dr. Amen, that brain dude, calls them. Automatic Negative Thoughts.
I thought I was going insane. I remembered my mom and my grandmother being anxious all the time and I regretted every irritated thought that I remember I had when they would express anxiousness (which they usually did in an irritated way.) I thought, okay, this is payback for lack of patience.
I decided to go to the doctor and get all hormones checked. My DHEA came back very low for my age; 2 others were high. I have to have another couple tests on Monday, but for the last week and a half, doc has had me on a high dose of DHEA for 5 days, and lower dose for the rest of this month.
No more anxiety.
I had a stressful week and was sure that it would set me off, but no attacks.
Is it that simple?! Amazing. DHEA. Who would have thought? My Chinese doc's been trying to get me to take that for over a year.
Now I have to get through the tests on Monday; a bit concerned, but not losing any sleep over it. Peace in a little bottle, and not xanax.
Then, in retrospect, I felt so bad for my mom and grandma. Mom took lots of cortisone for her lupus...and probably was suffering the same effects. This makes me sad, but I pray and I believe they are now no longer in any mood but joyful!
A couple summers ago, we had to have our backyard trees taken out, leaving a constant barren and sun-filled garden. Not being able to hang out in the sun, I was disappointed. I had a rose bush, Lady Jane roses I think, by my garden wall but they never produced roses. Too much shade. This year has been a bounty. There are even more on this bush now than when the picture was taken.
I thought about God's promises. He doesn't promise that we won't suffer loss, but He does promise that He'll be there with us. He turns mourning into gladness. Whatever has been taken in my life has always been replaced with something amazing--blessings after loss.
I hope you are walking in blessings and gladness, too.


Missy said...

Karen, I'm in tears. I'm so sorry for the anxiety (gosh that just doesn't sound descriptive enough - it's so much more debilitating than that), but praise Papa! for promises, respite, and roses. :) I'm really looking forward to seeing you soon!

... Paige said...

I'm glad you are feeling better. Anxiety is a very personal thing in a secret place without any doors. DHEA, I'll mention it to my mother.

I'm very glad you are better!

karen said...

Thanks, ladies. Sounds like you are a tad familiar with this. Of course, as soon as I said the anxiety was tries to come back. May be the count is going down again since I was taking 200mgs for 5 down to only 50mgs for 5 days. Hanging in there! Thanks!

chris said...

Been down the anxiety/depression road myself. I understand what your talking about. Never stop fighting it!

Kansas Bob said...

All I can say is wow.. I feel so bad that you have hurt so long.. I am so glad that you found out about DHEA. I did not know what it was so checked it out at the Mayo site where they said:

"There is sufficient evidence supporting the use of DHEA in the treatment of adrenal insufficiency, depression, induction of labor, and systemic lupus erythematosus."

I feel like I should probably have it checked for my annual physical in a few weeks as it decreases with age.

Hoping for a better week for you Karen. I appreciate you.

Love and blessings, Bob

Barbara said...

Karen, can you feel my hug? I hope so. I don't know what to say but I hurt for you and am hugging you (gently!)

Don said...

Karen- Glad to hear of progress made and BEing made. Here's to a great week for you! Let me know if I can help.

karen said...

Thank you, Chris, Bob, Barbara, and Don. I really appreciate it. I'm doing so much better! It's so peaceful in my body now! Even dropped 5 pounds. Bob, yes, I even feel better lupus-wise. Feeling like 30. What a blessing. Praise the Lord.