Saturday, June 16, 2012

Shake ups

Just found out the teacher I work with..a young and outstanding lady, has been transferred to another school, so my future is a bit shaky at the school I love. Who knows who they'll pair me with. We'll see how it goes. I was sorely disappointed in the responses from our team members to her email about her move. They were mechanical and unfeeling. Most people don't "get" Kim...I do, and she is all about the kids. Highly organized at 26.....a little OCD, so when people enter her calm and tidy opposed to other Special Ed appears little is being done. That's simply not the truth. The girl can think on her feet, wing it, and create something amazing just to reach one get to where she needs to be to reach him or her. We became good friends and it saddens me that people can't see the hard working Kimmie I see. Is it jealousy? Unopened hearts? I don't know.
I keep trying to study for my certification tests, but I'm just unmotivated. If I become a teacher, my time will be consumed with teaching chains instead of teaching freedoms, which I have now with what I do for the school, and for the kids with my critical thinking club. I won't have time for that...but I'm still in the need for furthering my financial freedom.
I think about how the disciples felt when Jesus left them to go after someone else. Kim keeps her eye on the one kid that's about to move beyond help, ignoring what others think...and Jesus goes after the one lost sheep.
I know there was jealousy and resentment of some degree. Maybe if we were all focused on the ones who need us, we wouldn't be concerned with what we think WE'RE missing.....

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Summer....into the heat of things...

Summer is here, thank goodness! What a year! I have to say I've been blessed immensely through a lot of stuff. I know many of you have suffered trials. I hope that you are experiencing some peace and comfort through them.
I've been pushing through things I don't want to happen to try to get to the things I want to happen. Things in the Spring are new and fresh...and promising....Summer comes...the heat gets turned up and the uncomfortable broiling begins....the test of how much you can take and how uncomfortable things have to get before you will try to change them.
I've always liked the heat. I think I can handle this frying pan--with His leading.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


Spring break is just about over...I didn't get as much done as I had hoped. I did a LOT of up at my usual time...the dogs just won't let me sleep...and that's okay. Time for coffee and talking to Father.

I have so many friends that need prayer....Tommy, Diane, and Nanette need healing from cancer, Theresa needs a transplant, others need JOBS and provision, marriages need healing, parents need help.

Spent the day with Connie yesterday and it was one of the best days in a long while...lunch, singing worship songs, laughing....fellowship is good for the soul....I seem to forget that from time to time.

Enjoy this's rebirth, resurrection, taking deep breaths and moving forward.....

Sunday, March 04, 2012

March already

The year is moving too fast, and I am moving too slow.

On the positive side, I'm getting fit-er and losing weight. I feel better physically and am not as tired during the day. The lupus flare seems to have lessened as well, although I have a lovely butterfly rash on my face that adds to the wonderful-ness of aging. Thank God for aloe and makeup.

I've spent more time in introspection than I have on the struggles of others...and I don't like that. Focusing on my own problems, faults, and other boring bits is not why I'm here.

The pain that others are going through is palpable. Friend Kathy has lost all of her original family, I think. Mom, sister, brother and dad all within an unreasonable time period. My heart aches for her.

Kansas Bob and his lovely wife Ann are struggling as well. I think about them daily as they walk this journey out.

Others are going through other painful trials. We all are. When we pull out of our own stuff, and concentrate on making someone else smile, everyone heals just a little bit.

Walked dogs at least 7 miles this weekend. Spring at the lake here has sprung. If anyone cannot believe in the resurrection, just point them to the dead looking brances and trees....they are a yearly reminder that our lives are in cycle all the time..and that rebirth is a fact of our lives here in this realm, as well as in the next.

Time to focus on rebirth.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Mercy came running

Heard that song on the radio today while driving. Went to the petstore and to the art store. I picked up a few drawing items that I needed in order to put some thought to paper. I have ideas, and I really need to focus and take time to put them down, to do some things on paper that please me. He gave me a gift, I know I'm supposed to share it...and I do tenfold. I feel that it's time for me to take some time for my own art.

My houseguest asked to uncover the keyboard that has been covered up for months. I haven't touched it. He is very talented and he has inspired my son to play guitar. My son has talent and an ear for music, as well. Like me, he can pick anything up and make a good noise. God has blessed us. There are a line of us in my family that have the creative gift.

Anyway, after young man played, I felt the urge to do the same...and did. I felt much better about life in general.

As challenging as someone can be in your life (and he is a very kind and gentle challenge) it's moments like this that make you realize that God puts people in our path not just for their journey... but also for our own.

Once there was a holy place

Evidence of God's embrace

And I can almost see mercy's

Pressed against the veil

Looking down with longing eyes

Mercy must have realized

That once His blood was sacrificed

Freedom would prevail

And as the sky grew dark

And the earth began to shake

With justice no longer in the way

Mercy came running Like a prisoner set free Past all my failures to the point of my need When the sin that I carried Was all I could see And when I could not reach mercy Mercy came running to me

Once there was a broken heart

Way too human from the start

And all the years left it torn apart

Hopeless and afraid

Walls I never meant to build

Left this prisoner unfulfilled

Freedom called but even still

It seemed so far away

I was bound by the chains

From the wages of my sin

Just when I felt like giving in

Mercy came running Like a prisoner set free Past all my failures to the point of my need When the sin that I carried Was all I could see And when I could not reach mercy Mercy came running to me

Sometimes I still feel so far

So far from where I really should be

He gently calls to my heart

Just to remind me.

Phillips, Craig and Dean

Saturday, January 07, 2012


Sometimes, on a lesser scale (much lesser) I feel a little like Job. I was talking to a young man who is staying with us, and he mentioned he feels this way...and I realize that, lately, I feel the same way as well. He feels like God is "after him" in a bad way, when we all know God is "after us" in a good way.
Trying to mentor yet another cast-off child (young man) is draining me. I admit it. I see changes for the better, but I'm stymied. Every time I get one thing cleared off in my life and think that I might actually be able to concentrate on the things that I need to do in MY life....another bump in the road occurs.
I realize this happens with everyone.
I had the most horrible dreams last spiritual, but so dismal. The last part was one of those dreams where you're trying to get somewhere but can't....I was trying to make a bus, but the bus left me behind....and I really didn't care.
My job is great, but I minister there to students all day. I'd like to come home to quiet and peace, but it is never there. Family, friends, etc., are always pulling at me. It's to the point where I have become numb. I go through the motions and say the right things, only because it's God speaking through me and giving me His compassion to carry on..because the only feelings I have right now are anger or numbness. Christmas was not fun; I was sick and tired and no one really cared that I was overdoing it...even though I had others bring stuff, I ended up doing all of the cooking and cleaning. Whining again, I know. I have:
Anger at selfishness (and my own victim mentality)
Anger at families who screw up their children and expect others to take over and "fix" it.
Anger at laziness. I'm exhausted. Trying to overcome my own exhaustion to do the things I WANT to do is impossible. I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I slept 10 hours and am still exhausted.
I have no time to paint, draw, write, or dream. I thought as my kids got older it would get easier. Now, I have a son in Afghanistan, another who needs to move forward in his life, someone else's child who needs to build self-esteem.
Anger at behavioral problems. A significant person in my life is passive-aggressive. Although this person is trying very hard to overcome it, and making great strides, the hurt and anger and baggage that I carry for thinking that it's all been me all these years stands in the way of forgiveness.
I've shut off from others, and they have shut off from me. In the past, I forged through the walls that people built because I know that people build walls to protect themselves--but they also put them up to see who cares enough to push past those walls to offer a hand. I now only push past by the grace of God through those walls. Mine still stand.
They say that you can't fill another's cup unless yours is full. Mine is drained and I never thought I'd get to this point. I realize that God is the one who fills...but I keep tapping mine to try to get to the last bit. It's gone. I can't even cry.
This morning, I've been kicking people's butts to get things done. My house is a wreck on one side because of the situation we're in. Having to push people to do things so that I can have more peace in my own home makes me angry. Having to constantly be the "fixer" is frustrating to the max when, right now, I'm the one who needs fixing.
There's a song about how one feels God more than ever when everything falls apart, "I feel you now more than I did then....I feel You when I fall apart."
Yeah, it's like that. Thank God.