Saturday, January 07, 2012

Scattered...

Sometimes, on a lesser scale (much lesser) I feel a little like Job. I was talking to a young man who is staying with us, and he mentioned he feels this way...and I realize that, lately, I feel the same way as well. He feels like God is "after him" in a bad way, when we all know God is "after us" in a good way.
Trying to mentor yet another cast-off child (young man) is draining me. I admit it. I see changes for the better, but I'm stymied. Every time I get one thing cleared off in my life and think that I might actually be able to concentrate on the things that I need to do in MY life....another bump in the road occurs.
I realize this happens with everyone.
I had the most horrible dreams last night...so spiritual, but so dismal. The last part was one of those dreams where you're trying to get somewhere but can't....I was trying to make a bus, but the bus left me behind....and I really didn't care.
My job is great, but I minister there to students all day. I'd like to come home to quiet and peace, but it is never there. Family, friends, etc., are always pulling at me. It's to the point where I have become numb. I go through the motions and say the right things, only because it's God speaking through me and giving me His compassion to carry on..because the only feelings I have right now are anger or numbness. Christmas was not fun; I was sick and tired and no one really cared that I was overdoing it...even though I had others bring stuff, I ended up doing all of the cooking and cleaning. Whining again, I know. I have:
Anger at selfishness (and my own victim mentality)
Anger at families who screw up their children and expect others to take over and "fix" it.
Anger at laziness. I'm exhausted. Trying to overcome my own exhaustion to do the things I WANT to do is impossible. I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I slept 10 hours and am still exhausted.
I have no time to paint, draw, write, or dream. I thought as my kids got older it would get easier. Now, I have a son in Afghanistan, another who needs to move forward in his life, someone else's child who needs to build self-esteem.
Anger at behavioral problems. A significant person in my life is passive-aggressive. Although this person is trying very hard to overcome it, and making great strides, the hurt and anger and baggage that I carry for thinking that it's all been me all these years stands in the way of forgiveness.
I've shut off from others, and they have shut off from me. In the past, I forged through the walls that people built because I know that people build walls to protect themselves--but they also put them up to see who cares enough to push past those walls to offer a hand. I now only push past by the grace of God through those walls. Mine still stand.
They say that you can't fill another's cup unless yours is full. Mine is drained and I never thought I'd get to this point. I realize that God is the one who fills...but I keep tapping mine to try to get to the last bit. It's gone. I can't even cry.
This morning, I've been kicking people's butts to get things done. My house is a wreck on one side because of the situation we're in. Having to push people to do things so that I can have more peace in my own home makes me angry. Having to constantly be the "fixer" is frustrating to the max when, right now, I'm the one who needs fixing.
There's a song about how one feels God more than ever when everything falls apart, "I feel you now more than I did then....I feel You when I fall apart."
Yeah, it's like that. Thank God.

10 comments:

Kansas Bob said...

Wow. No words Karen. Yet I so resonate with "Mine is drained and I never thought I'd get to this point".

I am hoping for a better year for the both of us.

Blessings, Bob

karen said...

I knew you would, Bob. I don't know where you get the strength, with your own struggles. I hope this year is better as well.

Robert said...

Hey Karen- I wish the same as Kb did for you. A kinder better joyfilled 2012!!! Take a look at my place again when you can, my last 2 posts. I found sparks of hope and peace from a few places. Always appreciate you my Texas sweet one :)

Maggie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maggie said...

I have no words of wisdom nor quotes from the Bible nor anything much to hold on to, but I do believe that we have to let go of some things at one time or the other, and I don't think at all that we will know if it's the right time (or if there ever is a right time) to let go, but we aren't much good for anyone when we are maxed out. Time to let yourself rest when you can. Let some things go. Realize that others have to be responsible for actions. I know you know all of this, and it is hard to do, but we really do need to choose our battles. Some are just not ours to fight or join ranks with. There is risk with everything, and when we choose to stand back and let someone do something for themselves, we risk thinking we did not do enough. But to that, I say, who gave me so much power that if only I had been there they would have been alright? I will do what I am humanly capable of doing. I have. I still do. But I am backing off. That does not mean I do not care.

karen said...

Thanks, Robert, I know you can relate as well. Maggie, thank you...you left an earlier comment but removed it? I'm not sure why. It was wonderful, too. You're right, letting some things go is key. I'm a creative Type A so I'm constantly in battle with myself. Working on that. You might relate to that! Thank you for your words. And for taking the time for me. You're right, standing back and letting others do it is for them as well as for me. the hard part is telling those who keep asking me why I'm not fixing them that it's their journey! Ha! Thanks all. :-)

Kansas Bob said...

I also wanted to say thanks Maggie! Your comment was a great reminder that it is okay to not be everything to everybody. Reminded me of a quote from GK Chesterton that changed my life:

"Why be something to everybody when you can be everything to somebody?"

Kansas Bob said...

I wrote about that change in my life two years ago here

karen said...

That was great, Bob. Thanks, all. What a weird struggle.

Maggie said...

I have no clue why I deleted my comment, but my best guess is that I reread it and it had some typos! :)