Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Tubby Chronicles I......

Okay, this is a shameless plea for encouragement. I have no pride left.
Remember that I tried that silly Pilates stuff a while back? Ms. Perky Buns? Well, I never went back to that because it's just too docile...too.....calming. I'm a warrior woman at heart. Right now, a flabby warrior woman trying to knock off 15 pounds gained from "convalescing."
I think the anemia is resolving if not resolved. More energy for the most part. In the meantime, I've been walking the dog, chasing the dog, and using those stretchy rubbery things that give you weight resistance. I'm too self-conscious to go to the gym yet. Isn't THAT stupid? Too fat to go to the gym.....
I got out my old Larry North book for motivation. Do you know Larry North? He's this big buff Dallas guy. He had flabby beginnings as a child and teen, I guess. His mom was a diet freak. I mentioned him to Patchouli. She says, yeah, the guy whose mom stole his hard-earned hot dog right from his hands and gulped it down in one bite....
He actually wrote that in his book, and this is the one thing 'Chouli and I both remembered him saying. Someone stealing his frankfurter was the defining moment of this guy's life?? Man, I know people who've been through a lot of stuff. It just seems that weenie-stealin' would be low on the list of traumatic events in your life, but there it is. He really remembers that. I won't delve into the obvious Freudian implications here.....and I don't mean to minimize this event in a young kid's life, but geez...I mean, stealing a hot dog isn't kosher (couldn't help that one) but I guess that was a motivating thing for North. Okaaayy....
Anyway, he's buff, and I'm not, so bad on me.
So, his diet plan is to eat one portion of protein, one carb, and one fibrous vegetable FIVE times a day. The protein is like, chicken, fish, turkey. All of this is okay, cuz it's about all I get to eat anyway. North outlines some sample meals. They all have a very familiar ring to them. In fact, it seems like ALL HE EATS ARE CHICKEN BREASTS. FIVE times a day. DO the math!! Okay, let's say just 4 breasts a day, and one fish. Fine. This still could result in upwards of 28 chicken breasts a week! That's....14 chickens a week! I can see flocks of fowl running in abject terror, their little wings crossed protectively over their bosoms squawking hysterically while the diminutive Chicken L. leads the pack screaming, "Run for your lives!! Larry North is coming! Larry North is coming!"
Does he still eat like this every day? He is setting himself up for one bad case of bird flu...at the very least maybe even mercury poisoning if he switches to fish on a regular basis. This could be toxic....I can see his funeral, open-casket. "Yeah, poor Larry died from mercury poisoning and inhaling chicken feathers."
"Yeah, but, doesn't he look GREAT?!"
Or, he could have died from food boredom.
Alright, I'm using my stretchy bands, and jogging on my mini-tramp, and eating as right as I can. You got ANY words of wisdom for me??

9 comments:

Bar Bar A said...

I wish I did - I'll be back to check here in hopes someone else does!!!

All I can say is: You are not alone!

Karen said...

"not alone" is good! :-)

Bruce said...

Oh yeah, you are not alone. What is it about us mid-lifers that obsess about our weight and the 15 pounds we need to lose? It's getting harder and harder to get these jeans buttoned. And if I eat one more chicken I'm likely to start clucking.

Hang in there. Maybe someone does have some words of wisdom and NOT another diet book.

B~

bjk said...

not alone...seriously not alone...we have started the Biggest Loser here at work...competition can sometimes do it for me...well that and my son is getting married in July....20+ pounds....arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Paige said...

I do... come on girl pass those oreos over to me!
I lost some weight & now I'm trying to find it before it gets to cold & lonely.

Karen said...

Thanks, y'all! I feel not so.....alone....
I guess we just keep expecting things from ourselves; and maybe if we were kinder to ourselves....
looking for HEALTH and not perfection.

Larry said...

Exercise. Walk eerywhere. Ride a bike. Blow up the TV and go do something instead.

Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you what problem you're trying to solve for yourself with food. Ask Him to help motivate you to move.

It's a system change. Short-term diets don't work. You need to look at the whole system of your activity, what you eat, what you expect from life. It's surprisingly difficult. Our society teaches instant solutions, so the idea that you have to work at this for the rest of your life just doesn't go over well.

Larry said...

Oh, one other thing. Calling yourself "tubby" doesn't help. I'm not a believer in the "positive affirmation" idea, but I do know the damage wrought by self-denigration. You don't have to go around saying "I'm the greatest," but the Holy Spirit really prefers it when you don't judge yourself at all.

Karen said...

Thanks, Larry. It's hard for me to avoid the self-deprecating humor, I tend to see the funny side of even the worst situations.
I will keep asking God to help me out with this. Thanks!
I'm at the point where I realized last night that I need help with the pain factor in my life...so I may seek out a pain management center. I know that this is a major part of what I'm going through.