Thursday, April 27, 2006

Becoming....not being....

Thanks, all of ya! I didn't miss you, cuz I was still lurking on your blogs! :-O

I'm putting my thoughts in a nutshell at the end, so if you don't feel like wading through my ramblings, you can cut to the chase! :-)

I had a really bad night....pain still so bad that I started getting panicky. That has never happened before. Then, all these thoughts started going through my mind....will I end up like my mom? Taking a ton of medications, withdrawing into the home, and still feeling horrid all the time even with all the meds. That started freaking me out. I was hurting so bad that I started pacing because I couldn't get comfortable. I slept about 10 hours (after chemical intervention), woke up very stiff, etc. Not in a great mood this morning.

The fear thing always gets me. It seems I get over one thing, and the enemy hurls another. Now, as my surrogate son is approaching fatherhood, they are all calling me "Nana."
That's what we called my mom.
Hence, the fear that I will end up like my mom. Now, don't get me mom was great, but she was in bad shape. She got up every day, did hair and make-up and put on a really good show, did housework, etc. She was miserable, though.
I think she got a really bad deal.

Anyway, last week when I decided to get quiet, I was praying a lot, and asking God what He wanted from me. I was mentally reviewing all the stuff; pain, not eating what everyone else gets to eat; bad sleep; etc. I was also praising that it isn't any worse than it is. You and I know the suffering that is out there. I'm amazed at the people we pray for. They are so inspiring. So, I'm sitting in the living room (why do we call it a LIVING room? The opposite would be strange) and suddenly, like a slide show, these words appear before me: "The choice is yours."
Hmm. That hits ME on so many levels that I couldn't ever go into it....maybe they resonate with you, as well.

The main point of those words hit me today, of all days, as I was sweating the fear of becoming my mom, becoming my "disease" and no longer being Karen, the mom, the wife, the artist, the minister, the friend, etc. The choice is mine. I have to choose to press on, no matter what, with whatever I get thrown. Scary scary scary scary!! to me. The enemy knows how to get to me...fear is the worst thing. I've always dealt with pain. It's fear that I fear. (thank you, Franklin D. Roosevelt)

I fear disease, incapacity. I fear that restless night like last night where I felt trapped in my own body. I fear the fact that I'm in charge of my disabled older brother for the rest of our lives. I put myself in his shoes and know that he has it much worse than I do...I just wish we could get to a place where we LIKED each other more. He can be annoying and mean (to us...never to others). Now any major family decision (moving, etc) will include him. I fear many of our family situations. What do YOU fear?

The choice is ours. Laying it all at His feet. Remember when I told you that we ended up with the extra cost of Sid's funeral? We lay it all at His feet. Guess what. Paid for. Hubby's small bonus and a tax refund. Amazing grace. Provision in all things. We move about on earth and do what we're supposed to do...and when this crap comes up and smacks us in the face...we have to trust that He will handle it. Why is it so hard to let it go? The choice is ours. Easy when things are going well...not so when they suck.

Then I had a dream that I was pregnant. I was accused of being "unfaithful." I would try as hard as I could to think about how I could have been unfaithful, but couldn't remember. My husband was actually a witness for my defense. Notice I was accused of being "unfaithful" not adulterous. My accuser was faceless. It was very strange indeed. It was determined that I became pregnant on 6/38....June 38th? Hmm. I had a suspicion of what this all meant, but asked my friend Mike to interpret. I didn't give him a lot of particulars but he interpreted the numbers and the meaning as me feeling unfaithful to the "church" and the enemy trying to make me feel guilty about this. I think the enemy LIKES what's going on in a lot of churches these days. He says Jesus will reveal himself in a dream, but satan will not show his face. The numbers mean new beginnings, the six is the enemy, 38, righteousness...and June 28 would be 7/8...any way, those numbers mean completion and new birth....hence the pregnancy.
And, indeed, I had gone to a house church on Saturday but came away feeling like I was back in big church, with the rigid control of one person, being told what to do, when to do it....and feeling traitorous to my friends because I didn't like the evening much. Once in a while I "miss" big church...until I go back and see the prostitution, for lack of a better word, of "come on in...we'll make you all feel gooooood." There is so much personal agenda in all of it.

Nutshell: I'm still at odds as to how to handle my pain; most of it is fibromyalgia. I walked away with some natural stuff from my doc to try. But the Lord showed me that I still haven't given this...or a whole lot of stuff...up to Him. "The choice is yours." His words to me...and probably you, as well. We all need to get quiet; disassociate from people once in a while and just TALK to Him. And give up to Him. Then; He allowed me to see that I need to give up guilt about leaving church, or even semblances of church, if I they are too "one person" oriented, i.e., pastor/leader, and that's okay. The church is Us (we know that) and if church in a brick isn't working, or IS, it's okay. He will lead us all to the place we're to be...and that would probably be "the world."
Oh, another thing.....I get SO much out of all of your thoughts and writings. I've grown so much through this blogworld. Thank you for sharing yourselves!


bjk said...

Thanks Karen and yes I needed that word as well......'the choice is yours' and I choose Him....I see the world as full of choices and just like Adam and Eve in the garden there's only the one bad one.....but how can that be you know that Him and His will could be our everything ....the choice is ours but BOY when we choose Him.......praying for you and your comfort in Him in everything you are in....b

Bruce said...

Wow, Karen. I'm glad you started letting things out and feel free to express your fears. We always keep our fears stuffed deep down inside of us, and it destroys us. Jesus said that the Word of God, for some, will be strangled out by the worries (fears) of this world. Right there with ya.

Thanks for sharing and I'll keep you in my prayers.


Karen said...

Thanks, B's....It's weird that I can confess these things, I'm not that open, really...but I know you can all relate, and have kind hearts and loving ears to hear. You are in my prayers for your needs, as well.

Bar Bar A said...

Oh Sweet Karen, I do feel your pain - literally. Fibro affects ever aspect of our lives because the pain becomes the center of it all....I know how that feels. Wanting to walk away from your own body and leave it behind for just a while to get some relief.

Even knowing know Jesus is right there does not take the pain away.

Thanks for what you shared here today. THere are loving arms around you from me and our amazing blogger friends. I wrote on my blog that I wished I could give you a hug today.

Lately The journey of life has been extremely challening for almost everyone I know...but none of us has to go it alone.


Hey you have three B's that love ya right here on this comment page!

Karen said...

}}}}wiping misty, happy tears{{{
..and I love my B's! :-}
Thank you all.
I had a much better day today. It's good to let stuff out.

Mark D said...

Thinking of you and praying for you, Karen. I admire your honesty and the courage it takes to bear your soul. I am very blessed to have you as one of my blog friends. Glad you're doing better today. :)

Larry said...

I remember from the early days of being a follower of Jesus so many people sweating so much trying to find the will of God for their lives. The implication was always that if nothing clear came though they weren't praying enough, or in the wrong way, or there was "sin in their lives." The cocept was one of the rocks that sank my first steps on the waves with Jesus.

Years later when he picked me up I decided to just cut through all the assumptions. "God, if you want me to do your will, you're going to have to make it clear to me." Well, it seems that the first step on that path was beginning to learn who God really is under the very thick layers of belief and assumption and hand-me-down teaching.

After that process was well established--turns out that God is really simple "God is love" and also incomprehensibly complex in the outworking of that love--I began to wonder again about the "will of God" thing again. The chuch says we should all be firebrands.

Well, I wasn't born a firebrand. Or at least, I was born a quiet firebrand. Where would I fit in the wonderful new world described by the church? God said "Never mind. You follow me." What a weird trail that has been, but it's beginning to make some sense. First I learned about God. Now I'm learning to love. This is difficult for me. Jesus is the model for me and it's interesting to look at his life. Each response he made was different, is different to this day. Each of us is unique.

I think it was St. Augustine who said "First, love God with all your heart. Then, do anything you want." The logic is there. If your heart is really following Jesus you can't do anything wrong.

The hard part is following Jesus into the land he introduces me to. It's much harder to do this than to follow rules.

I don't know how this differs from slavery, but it does. A slave of Jesus is a special kind of slave, I guess.

All I know is that God loves us in a way that none of us knows much about. He kept me alive for all those years I denied him, until I was in a place where I'd finally listen.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I can't comprehend of going on living under those conditions; pain terrifies me. Life is barely worth living for me as it is, and if I had your pain I'd just quit. I admire your tenacity and love for life.

Paige said...

We are a support for each other. Reminding us all what we need; may be speaking to some one else what they needed. I have been mumbling in my mind & heart how I have no one (friend/family who ever) to really tell my woes to. You have reminded me that He is there He wants me to come to Him & lay it before Him. Thanks again Karen for your words. God bless you & keep you

Karen said...

We are here for each other. Paige, email me whenever you need, please. You are going through so much.

C. Fish said...

What do I fear?

Like you: I fear disease, incapacity.
I fear becoming a burden to my wife and family. I fear her losing 'interest' in me as I weaken or become more and more burden and less the attractive person she met.

I fear losing myself to this disease entirely. I fear losing my wife, my love, my very life as I know it.

The choice is mine, to some extent... but there's a lot here that isn't...

Karen said...

Larry, thanks for your words...I love to hear from you.
C: Yep...all those are my fears...and no, some things are not our choice...I don't think that's what that word was all about. It's, I think, about how we handle it...our attitude toward our afflictions, our handling of what we get, our treatment of our bodies, etc.
Sweet've had much thrown at you that's not your choice. I admire the way you've handled all of it.

Kansas Bob said...

I agree 1000% with this ...

I need to give up guilt about leaving church

... mainly because you never left ... how can you leave a body :)

I have been thinking about starting a monthly support group or prayer meeting for people with chronic pain or illness. Know of anyone doing something like this? Sounds good but I dont know if anyone would come. What do you think? Any ideas?

Karen said...

awesome idea, Bob....although you know you already minister to those with chronic you get ministered TO?
Ministers sometimes don't get ministered to!
I go to a Tinnitus support group..I can handle that..the lupus group I went to scared me and depressed me....but a PRAYER and support group for chronically ill people is a great idea. I guess I'd start with an ad or flyers to get the word out. You might only start with one or two, but I can almost guarantee you'd build a large body of people who could help one another. I'd come!