Becoming....not being....

Thanks, all of ya! I didn't miss you, cuz I was still lurking on your blogs! :-O

I'm putting my thoughts in a nutshell at the end, so if you don't feel like wading through my ramblings, you can cut to the chase! :-)

I had a really bad night....pain still so bad that I started getting panicky. That has never happened before. Then, all these thoughts started going through my mind....will I end up like my mom? Taking a ton of medications, withdrawing into the home, and still feeling horrid all the time even with all the meds. That started freaking me out. I was hurting so bad that I started pacing because I couldn't get comfortable. I slept about 10 hours (after chemical intervention), woke up very stiff, etc. Not in a great mood this morning.

The fear thing always gets me. It seems I get over one thing, and the enemy hurls another. Now, as my surrogate son is approaching fatherhood, they are all calling me "Nana."
That's what we called my mom.
Hence, the fear that I will end up like my mom. Now, don't get me wrong...my mom was great, but she was in bad shape. She got up every day, did hair and make-up and put on a really good show, did housework, etc. She was miserable, though.
I think she got a really bad deal.

Anyway, last week when I decided to get quiet, I was praying a lot, and asking God what He wanted from me. I was mentally reviewing all the stuff; pain, not eating what everyone else gets to eat; bad sleep; etc. I was also praising that it isn't any worse than it is. You and I know the suffering that is out there. I'm amazed at the people we pray for. They are so inspiring. So, I'm sitting in the living room (why do we call it a LIVING room? The opposite would be strange) and suddenly, like a slide show, these words appear before me: "The choice is yours."
Hmm. That hits ME on so many levels that I couldn't ever go into it....maybe they resonate with you, as well.

The main point of those words hit me today, of all days, as I was sweating the fear of becoming my mom, becoming my "disease" and no longer being Karen, the mom, the wife, the artist, the minister, the friend, etc. The choice is mine. I have to choose to press on, no matter what, with whatever I get thrown. Scary scary scary scary!! to me. The enemy knows how to get to me...fear is the worst thing. I've always dealt with pain. It's fear that I fear. (thank you, Franklin D. Roosevelt)

I fear disease, incapacity. I fear that restless night like last night where I felt trapped in my own body. I fear the fact that I'm in charge of my disabled older brother for the rest of our lives. I put myself in his shoes and know that he has it much worse than I do...I just wish we could get to a place where we LIKED each other more. He can be annoying and mean (to us...never to others). Now any major family decision (moving, etc) will include him. I fear many of our family situations. What do YOU fear?

The choice is ours. Laying it all at His feet. Remember when I told you that we ended up with the extra cost of Sid's funeral? We lay it all at His feet. Guess what. Paid for. Hubby's small bonus and a tax refund. Amazing grace. Provision in all things. We move about on earth and do what we're supposed to do...and when this crap comes up and smacks us in the face...we have to trust that He will handle it. Why is it so hard to let it go? The choice is ours. Easy when things are going well...not so when they suck.

Then I had a dream that I was pregnant. I was accused of being "unfaithful." I would try as hard as I could to think about how I could have been unfaithful, but couldn't remember. My husband was actually a witness for my defense. Notice I was accused of being "unfaithful" not adulterous. My accuser was faceless. It was very strange indeed. It was determined that I became pregnant on 6/38....June 38th? Hmm. I had a suspicion of what this all meant, but asked my friend Mike to interpret. I didn't give him a lot of particulars but he interpreted the numbers and the meaning as me feeling unfaithful to the "church" and the enemy trying to make me feel guilty about this. I think the enemy LIKES what's going on in a lot of churches these days. He says Jesus will reveal himself in a dream, but satan will not show his face. The numbers mean new beginnings, the six is the enemy, 38, righteousness...and June 28 would be 7/8...any way, those numbers mean completion and new birth....hence the pregnancy.
And, indeed, I had gone to a house church on Saturday but came away feeling like I was back in big church, with the rigid control of one person, being told what to do, when to do it....and feeling traitorous to my friends because I didn't like the evening much. Once in a while I "miss" big church...until I go back and see the prostitution, for lack of a better word, of "come on in...we'll make you all feel gooooood." There is so much personal agenda in all of it.

Nutshell: I'm still at odds as to how to handle my pain; most of it is fibromyalgia. I walked away with some natural stuff from my doc to try. But the Lord showed me that I still haven't given this...or a whole lot of stuff...up to Him. "The choice is yours." His words to me...and probably you, as well. We all need to get quiet; disassociate from people once in a while and just TALK to Him. And give up to Him. Then; He allowed me to see that I need to give up guilt about leaving church, or even semblances of church, if I they are too "one person" oriented, i.e., pastor/leader, and that's okay. The church is Us (we know that) and if church in a brick isn't working, or IS, it's okay. He will lead us all to the place we're to be...and that would probably be "the world."
Oh, another thing.....I get SO much out of all of your thoughts and writings. I've grown so much through this blogworld. Thank you for sharing yourselves!