Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Today, I'm pissed.....

Main Entry: pissed
Pronunciation: 'pist
Function: adjective
1 chiefly British sometimes vulgar : Drunk 1a 2 sometimes vulgar : angry, irritated; often used with off


Don't you love that? Such a clinical definition. I'm the 2nd definition. Angry, irritated; often used with 'off.'
I'm a prayer intercessor. God led me to start an email prayer ministry that has survived through 2 or more churches and is comprised of many people from all over. They are awesome warriors. It's been around for over 7 years. There are advantages to coordinating this. I minister to people; through email, on the phone, or in person, and most of the time it keeps me grounded and humble. I see so much suffering that it makes my stuff seem small indeed.
Today, though, I'm just a little tired of my stuff.
I was diagnosed with mixed-connective tissue disease (mostly lupus) after my first son was born 18 years ago. Since then, my thyroid has gone south, I've developed fibromyalgia, I've had pancreatitis and then gallbladder out. I've been misdiagnosed and terrorized with possible hideous diseases...leukemia, schleroderma, etc. Last April I developed severe tinnitus and now live with 3 loud noises in my head 24-7. Thank God for God, or I would certainly have taken myself out. Now, I'm having the middle aged woman stuff going on with anemia and am presented with yet another pain du jour on top of the pain that I live with all the time.
I'm still standing, and I intend to keep standing. But I've been so tired in the last couple of months that I'm either working or sleeping. Lately, it's been sleeping. And when I don't have the energy to do anything, that's when the swilling and wallowing start. (see prior post)
Then, someone calls...like just now...with heavy stuff...and I listen and afterward feel guilty about the wallowing and worry that because I'm such a wimp something even worse may come my way. I have to assume that the Lord will get me through, because He has so far...and funny thing......I'm not even pissed at Him. And, tomorrow is a whole 'nother day.
But, today, I'm just pissed.

6 comments:

C. Fish said...

I have days when I'm just pissed too. Not necessarily at god, but just in general.

I pray for you, for relief, for comforting, for encouragement, and that you know how much your ministering to others means. I know that your words, your prayers, your encouragement has meant a great deal to us.

God hold you in his palm always...

Karen said...

Thanks, Fish. That means so much. Better this morning, praise God....

Christine said...

I pray for answers, inspiration, something that will bring up the quality of your life.

I think you've got a right to be pissed off. I can't believe you wallow in your misery so infrequently!

Karen said...

Christine...thanks for the encouragement and prayers! I actually got in a day's work today without needing a nap. PTL!

bjk said...

I read this and had to look at your picture I have a friend in Texas suffering surviving alot of what you wrote about with alot of the same resolve...I loved this post and will be back. Thanks for writing so honestly...becky

Karen said...

Becky, thanks! Prayers for your friend.