Today, I'm pissed.....

Main Entry: pissed
Pronunciation: 'pist
Function: adjective
1 chiefly British sometimes vulgar : Drunk 1a 2 sometimes vulgar : angry, irritated; often used with off

Don't you love that? Such a clinical definition. I'm the 2nd definition. Angry, irritated; often used with 'off.'
I'm a prayer intercessor. God led me to start an email prayer ministry that has survived through 2 or more churches and is comprised of many people from all over. They are awesome warriors. It's been around for over 7 years. There are advantages to coordinating this. I minister to people; through email, on the phone, or in person, and most of the time it keeps me grounded and humble. I see so much suffering that it makes my stuff seem small indeed.
Today, though, I'm just a little tired of my stuff.
I was diagnosed with mixed-connective tissue disease (mostly lupus) after my first son was born 18 years ago. Since then, my thyroid has gone south, I've developed fibromyalgia, I've had pancreatitis and then gallbladder out. I've been misdiagnosed and terrorized with possible hideous diseases...leukemia, schleroderma, etc. Last April I developed severe tinnitus and now live with 3 loud noises in my head 24-7. Thank God for God, or I would certainly have taken myself out. Now, I'm having the middle aged woman stuff going on with anemia and am presented with yet another pain du jour on top of the pain that I live with all the time.
I'm still standing, and I intend to keep standing. But I've been so tired in the last couple of months that I'm either working or sleeping. Lately, it's been sleeping. And when I don't have the energy to do anything, that's when the swilling and wallowing start. (see prior post)
Then, someone calls...like just now...with heavy stuff...and I listen and afterward feel guilty about the wallowing and worry that because I'm such a wimp something even worse may come my way. I have to assume that the Lord will get me through, because He has so far...and funny thing......I'm not even pissed at Him. And, tomorrow is a whole 'nother day.
But, today, I'm just pissed.

Lizzie says it's beautiful outside....

The easiest way....

Lots of debate about "religion" (I've never liked that word) and the search for God. My 18 yr old (18 going on 45) wrote a paper about the difference between religion and faith. He points out that the word "religion" is based on the words "re and ligio" or a return to bondage. Faith, as a word however, is a whole 'nother animal. I like the word faith. It feels like you're taking chance, a leap of, in order to believe when belief defies the logical. So, what does this have to do with God and our relationship with Him? Well, I think that if you're bound, you'll think very little of anything but yourself and your circumstances. Wallowing in yourself and swilling in your own marinade so to speak. (ew, that was gross...but kinda true) But, if you have FAITH...you might find some pretty cool stuff going on while you're leaping around throwing all caution to the wind. And isn't that what God would like us to do? "JUMP! I will catch you!" You can hear Him say it...and unlike your friends who chanted that to you from beneath the neighborhood fort and then didn't....He really will catch you. And, chances are, while you're leaping around, and discovering cool stuff...you're probably not thinking so much about yourself and your swilling....and there lies probably the very best way to run into........Him.

"Will there be cake?....."

My youngest son, on the day of his great-uncle's funeral, when asked if he felt he would like to attend asked us,
"Will there be cake?"
I guess he knew he was stepping into a dicey situation, but knowing that he would get a reward would make it all worth while.
We told him there probably would not be cake. He chose not to go.
I think that's what a lot of us do from time to time. If something looks tough, we stray away unless there's the tiny inkling that we might get a prize; a reward. We can do this with situations of all kinds, with relationships.
No one said it would be easy. In the short term, there may not be anything that we perceive as a 'reward' for our efforts.
But, in the end, we have a reward....and we don't really have to do much except open hearts, minds, and selves to what He wants us to do...to believe, to love, to give. In the end, He is waiting. So, yes. in effect....there will indeed be cake.

Everybody has a story...

...is what my blind friend Bruce told me. He's right. Behind every face, every persona, there lies a sad story or tragedy. Everyone has something, some cross to bear.....and usually when we hear someone else's story...we're happy to keep our own!
Christine, Crystal, Fish, Paige, Larry, Lisa, Patchouli, Jordan, Kurt, Arnie, Joan,....and everyone else....your stories are noticed!
Prayers abound.

Ramblings...

I took the day off yesterday. Absolutely fatigued. Sometimes I just have to stop for a bit and rest. I have some medical tests on Thursday, so hopefully we will resolve some issues.

I watched "Constantine" with Keanu Reeves. Although it has many "holes" in it as far as spiritual issues (in my humble opinion) I rented it for the demon-butt kicking that I needed to see. I like that part. One part I got tickled over was the apparent need to speak in Latin over demons. I guess that's their language? Funny, the ones in the movie were speaking English, or "hellspeak." I also got tickled over the "you have no authority, you're not ordained" factor. That cracked me up. No one needs anyone that is ordained to save them...we all have the ability to send demons flying. And why didn't anyone in that movie call on the name of Jesus except in cursing? Of course, if they had called on Jesus, the story would have been over, done...film at 11. And, also...my apologies to my Catholic friends and family...but when are you folks going to realize that you DON'T have to go through any human to get to God? I've noticed that even in Protestant circles we keep making the same mistake...I listened to a pastor at a wedding proclaim himself as a "priest" and I notice a tendency of some Christians to follow one person in particular; to revere people rather than God. We are ALL part of a royal priesthood.... there is nothing wrong with loving and respecting people and their gifts; with learning from them. We absolutely must learn and grow with each other. But, when we start putting anyone on a pedestal we get on a slippery slope. I like it when people recognize true spiritual leadership...whether or not that person is "ordained"-- just a normal someone who appears out of nowhere...but has much to say; and yet they are humble enough to maintain themselves as your equal and your friend. I have some friends like that. They walk more like Jesus.
If the body is too focused on the person at the front of the "church"....the communication gets lost between the "parts" of the "church."

Jordan

His surgery was cancelled...we had prayed for him, and for his doctor's wisdom...and the doc called it off this morning. He said he didn't feel it was the right thing to do at this time. They are looking at other options. Thank you for prayers!

Oatmeal ponderings III

An American, Arnold Bly, was able to inscribe the Lord's Prayer on a grain of rice and to write legibly on a strand of hair.

Someone with maybe a little TOO much time on their hands?

Prayer warriors needed...

Please pray for a SWEET 16 year old boy named Jordan. He has Rasmussen's encephalitis..and currently is suffering unrelenting seizures. He is in an ICU...his family is exhausted and worried...yet steadfast in their faith..the mom ministers to us through her journal emails with praises and scriptures.

Smile!

fractal world...

Walking with Gracie...she is so full of...it. Life, energy. She found a pine cone and carried it gently in her genetically engineered jaws as if it were something very precious. It is. I looked at it, the order in which it is made. It's a wonderful thing. It's wintery here in Texas, except that it's spitting rain, not snow. I love the watercolory sky and the live oaks; the contrast between their black starkness against the soft sky is a wonder as well...there is an order to the branches, and each branch has branch lines within. It's that fractal thing that I love...pattern within pattern within pattern.

Stormy paths...

I just found out that a fellow elder that I served with at a church is diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig's Disease.
This is a devastating disease...Stephen Hawking has it and has survived incredibly well. Most folks die in 3-5 years. I saw a woman who had been healed on a Christian show from it...so by God's grace, anything can happen. This fellow's name is Johan. Please keep him in prayer.
This kind of information comes to me often, as I coordinate a prayer ministry. It also hits me where I live, and often freaks me out...the enemy knows my weakness...fear of health concerns because of my long history of many illnesses. But God knows why He has placed this ministry on me; to face this stuff head on. It's really hard. I came into the world ill...hospitalized many times as an infant and apparently this is my battle. It's one that I'd like to win.
We all have battles of one sort or another....some are illness, some are from abuse, addiction, finances, whatever. It's hard for us to understand the battles of others if we're not familiar with that problem. The enemy knows just what to hit each of us with, though, doesn't he? One who suffers from abuse might never have a day's physical illness; and vice versa. All of us walking out completely different paths. It's a wonder we ever run into each other, isn't it? I guess the whole idea is to keep an eye out for each other.

Ancient Words

Hey...that Ancient Words song that Michael W. Smith sang just keeps going through my brain...for days now...wonder what that means. I think someone named Lynn DeShazo* wrote it...check it out...http://newhopemusic.com/FCSongwriters/FCSLynnDeShazo.htm *thanks, Lisa! ;-)

Oatmeal Ponderings II

Rennet, a common substance used to curdle milk and make cheese, is taken from the inner lining of the fourth stomach of a calf.
Ew.

Faith in the Hall

My faith is growing in the hall
that walls of water will not fall.
You've parted waters just for me;
I do not know where doors will be...

I won't turn back to Egypt;
I know you have my hand;
so, lead me in the hallway
on my march to the promised land.
Copyright 2006 Connie Wisman

Putting the engine in....

Prophesied over me on Tuesday. I've been a glider.....gliding with God, quietly, gently, moving with Him doing His stuff....
but now is the time to put the engine in and make a little noise.

Dreams last night; I asked God for something, anything to help get me through this stuff I'm going through. He is so faithful, so more faithful than I.
3 dreams;
First one about the forgiving child in me and that He is pleased that I no longer want to annihilate those who would try to hurt me.

The second about my obedience to be still and be healed and gather His energy; yet that I am obedient to push past my pain to continue to minister to others. (That certainly ain't easy sometimes, but it blesses me back.)

The third, a golden/silver hallway that I am in at the top of a building looking over the spiritual colors of the ocean...I'm given a white plate with a piece of white cake (a gift) with golden frosting. I'm to partake of it with a silver fork. How humbling is that? He is so good.

My friend Connie is a psalmist. She writes lovely songs that reveal the scriptures in new light. Before she sings anything, she teaches from the Bible about where and how the Lord gave her the song, she honors Him and gives Him full credit. That means a lot to me when I listen. She is gifted in so many ways. She asks Him for a song or a photograph (She's an incredible photographer. New gifts when we are humble to receive!) and He is faithful to grant her request....just like my dreams were an answer. She uses what He gives her to bless others. She is going through some stuff, yet she still moves for others.

We can ask Him for what we need..what we would like to share with others. Ask Him to rain it down on you, then use it to spread His light to others. There is no room here for envy of the gifts of others. Check your motives at the door. You have the same opportunity, if you will unwrap yourself from yourself and look outward. When He bestows these gifts for you to take to others, the real gift will be bestowed upon you.

My prayer for anyone reading this is for such dreams and gifts to be rained on you! For peace and comfort in your trying days; for opportunity to bless the lives of others through His words; that you would be vessel to pour out healing waters onto someone else. That in this, you will be also be healed.

imagine His pain...

...over an offering that is not acknowledged or accepted.

We're in the hallway.....

The Word revealed in home fellowship today: We are coming out of Egypt...we're in the hall created by the parting of the waters and we can turn back to that which is familiar but no longer for us...or we trust in Him, follow His lead and go forward on the path HE makes for us.

That ol' devil....

I'm sitting having my coffee, listening to the dog attack her food-filled Kong, and the sound of a gentle rain from my sound machine...and all of these negative thoughts start to come into my head.
Now, where did those come from?
The Lord made us. We are not perfect, but He is. He gave us emotions and feelings which are awesome...but that also open us up to attack from satan. (I never capitalize that smarmy thing's name). satan delights in helping us with our humble negative talk. Humility is good...negative talk is bad.
By the end of my coffee, I had talked myself off that ledge and resolved to imagine shooting an arrow at satan everytime a negative thought about my life comes into play...easy to say..but I'm willing to give it a try. I'd rather be a reflection of Jesus than of the enemy. It's going to be quite a battle. Join me?

recent work

This is for a functional iron artwork gallery. They needed a "set" for their trade shows.

Rambling...

I've been having the weirdest dreams. Last night I had one of those bathroom dreams...you know, the ones where the bathrooms are in weird public places......kind of like a blog? :-) Anyway, dream interpreters say these dreams are about baggage we carry, stuff we need to get rid of. If that's the case then shouldn't everyone be having these dreams? Come to think of it, I DID have to wait in line!

Oatmeal ponderings...

There are approximately 1 million species of animals on the earth. Of these, approximately 800,000 are insects.
Ew.

Her name meant "friend"

Twenty years ago this month, I was an underwriting supervisor for an insurance company. She was a clerk in the office, one of those constantly cheerful people who said "hi" like she hadn't seen you in months....everytime she saw you...even if she passed by you several times a day. For some reason I found that charming. It drove everyone else nuts and they griped about her a lot, and weren't very nice to her. Added to that, she wasn't physically attractive, and was several pounds overweight. She did have gorgeous long brown hair, though. One day I was passing by at her desk and I felt the biggest pull to just stop, put my hand on her shoulder and say "Hey...how are you today? You look very nice." She smiled the sweetest smile. The next day, she was gone. Twenty years ago this month, she had a flat tire on the freeway, and while waiting for help, was hit by a passing car and killed instantly. I think of her every January. I think that she is happy now, though, because I dreamt of her one night after thinking about how sad her short life had been. Her biggest thrill had been getting hot rollers for Christmas. In my dream, she was in a glowing white dress and her beautiful long hair was flowing all around. As if to say "Hi" she smiled her sweet smile at me as if she hadn't seen me in months. Her name was Ruth.

Her name means "bound, tied"

And she certainly is....
I looked up the meaning of names...my friends names mean things like noble, truth, constancy, purity.
Her's means "bound, tied, ensnarer." Once in a while it comes up "beautiful."
She is all of that.
I'm wondering what the Lord had in mind when He brought us all together for a season.
I'm wondering what I was supposed to learn from all the turmoil.
And, I'm still angry.
My husband said he believed that she has a sweet soul....somewhere in the layers of pain.
I couldn't get through those layers. I was too busy fending off blows. I'm not Jesus. I only have a couple of cheeks to turn.
Now, I am a very forgiving person. I'm not sure why, because my nature is as a warrior. If someone is beating you up, I'll put myself between you and the blows. But pity the one who strikes you.
Abba Father let me know I was on a rocky road with this one. I warned her at the beginning that people will always disappoint, but that He won't. Ever. But her pain blinds her to everything. She has it all figured out. She will always be hurt by others. And, so she is. She is the constant victim of everyone else.
Still, I try to figure out what I was supposed to learn from this one. Maybe it's that you can try to walk with someone on their rocky road...but they may just shove you off into a ditch. About all you can do is crawl out, dust off, lick your wounds and let them make their own way because the only one who can walk that road with them is Him.
I'm sorry, Rebecca, that we couldn't walk it with you. I hope that you will allow Him to walk with you. I hope and I pray that you break those bindings, those ties, because He is the only one who can help you.

Frustration

Feeling great inside...mind and soul..but the body is not responding. I'm severely anemic, and my tinnitus is incredibly loud today. I'm toting my sound machine everywhere I'm working. Focusing on God's word that this is small stuff indeed. Hebrews 11:1-3. Unseen things are bigger....Indeed. I'll get through.

Ahhh...sweet Monday....
Have client phone calls and emails to make; bills to pay; a run out to a client's and 2 webpages and a brochure to write for one of my fav clients....
I love Mondays, did I say that? :)

The kids won't let me take the trees and stuff down til after the 6th. The neighbors think we're nuts when the Christmas lights go on the night of the 6th (The Epiphany). My fault...I started these rituals to divert attention from materialism to, um, rituals....I'm going to negotiate a favorite meal or bribe to at least take some of the stuff down. I'll leave the Jesus tree (overhangs the creche) up. No prob with that for the 12 days of Christmas....