Saturday, February 18, 2006

running for cover?

I'm not sure where I am right now. There's nothing hideously wrong, really. And, my love for God and my whole place with Him is very secure.

It's just that I'm kind of afraid to move.

See, it's been a long year. Not 2006....just from last April to now. I'm ready for things to get...different. Some of you know the whole lupus/fibromyalgia thing, and that in April of last year I got hit with the tinnitus thing....3 noises in my head 24/7.....ringing, jet engine roar, and static. Thank God it doesn't create the same response as it did several months ago. It stopped me in my tracks at that time. Then, just about the time I started getting used to it, something else came up that slowed me down. God gave me victory over that. Then, something else, then something else.

Consequently, I haven't worked a lot in the last year. I'm one of those wierdos that like to work for work's sake. Well, I kinda have to work, too. It hasn't been bad...we're not rifling through dumpsters or anything. We live comfy and we're not materialistic people. My spouse has a good job, and he's been doing some stuff on the side which has taken the pressure off of me for the time being to fill the gap. I'm an artist and writer...I do mostly murals or special wall finishes, and I write marketing stuff. It's weird, because just the right work has been available to me that I can do either at home or that isn't physically exhausting while I get my iron level back up. And, I've had lots of time to homeschool my 14 year old, read, research, read blogs and learn a lot from all of you.

But, I'm starting to feel like one of those boppy clown toys that you whap down and it pops back up. Whap. Down. Up. Whap. Down. Up.

Is God trying to tell me something?

My 18 year old says maybe that God is showing me that if I slow down, that things will still work out; that we're not panhandling on the corner, and that maybe I'm supposed to chill out. 18 year olds know everything...

It's weird because I'm such a type A personality...and this slow time isn't really bugging me a whole lot. Simon, over at his blog says: (Simon says! ha! I love that) "....I have fallen into His arms a billion times and now I like to just stay there." Yeah. It's a really comfy place to be!
My dilemma is, when I start getting more energy, will I stay there?
Or will I jump up, run out and start all over again with the workaholic thing? Then will the whapping and popping start all over again?

So, I guess it's the whapping that makes me kind of afraid to move.


Elizabeth said...

I think your 18-year-old is right about you needing to chill out some. You might be making yourself stressed by worrying so much, which is why you feel sort of upset.

Patchouli said...

...what will you do with all that energy?

Karen said...

Thanks, Elizabeth...I think you're probably right.
Patchouli...that was sort of the question, hm? Hopefully I'll do what He wants me to do.

Larry said...

Knocked down, you get back up, you get knocked over again... repeat ad nauseam. Eventually I learned to just stay down. Quit trying, unless I had complete control over events. That means the commpass of my life is small.

And yet it hasn't turned out all that badly. I have a place to live, I have a decent job, which is more than some folks can say who've been striving lots harder than I've been. God's hand in my life? Seems so to me.

I'm lucky in that my health problems are minor. The occasional migraine (I've had to give up eating chocolate), bad knees, a flaky back, astigmatism, etc. Aging. Not much we can do about health things.

Getting knocked down for other reasons... I guess you have to look at the benefit of trying again versus the pain of getting knocked over. Is the thing you're trying for really worth it? Some things aren't. I won't bend over to pick up a penny, but I will bend to get a quarter.

There has to be some reward. Something has to call me up from the floor.

It's unfashionable in Christian circles to talk about being comfortable. Calling the Holy Spirit the "Comforter" is heresy today, but it's a biblical view. Wear the hair shirt when you have to, but for no longer than needed... and some people take to it better than others. God knows what we need.

In other words... when you want to lie down, lie down and don't worry. If God has something he wants you to do, it's his responsibility to make it clear to you, I think.

Karen said...

Thanks, usual, I like your thinking.
Yeah, some of it is the aging thing, I think. Some of it is the maturing thing, what is the important stuff to do...and what's the b.s. that doesn't matter?
The health stuff is getting to the point of acceptance...not rolling over with it...just going with the day to day flow. God's a good teacher.

Karen said...

...and no chocolate? That IS horrible! :-(

Simon said...

I really relate to this. I have moved 10 times in about three years. I have been sick with one thing or another for several years on and off...but mostly it has been on. Right now I am struggling with an internal problem, somehow related to my digestive system. I cant sleep well and am on very bland and plain foods which still are difficult to digest. I am waiting for tests that may take up to three months to have. I am also a chronic asthmatic with a diagnosed back problem and I suffer from another modern illness known as manitis (which in laymans terms means I am a man). I know. Severly disadvantaged with that last one but before u get out the sackcloth and ashes there has been some plus's with all of this. I can tell you that through these sifting circumstances I have gained a dependence on him and a strength in my weakness that has fortified my soul and caused me to lean on him rather than being blown about by the temporal and changing currents of this life. I trust him and have his peace even when turmoil is swimming through my body and my mind.I am learning (not all there yet) that in him I find peace and contentment in every circumstance simply because he is with me, loving me. I have learnt the meaning behind the words;
"Swift to its close ebbs out lifes little day,
Earths joys grow dim, its glories fade away,
Change and decay in all around I see,
O thou who changest not, abide with me."
Most people learn to lose their security in the the things of this life when they are old and dying. We get to learn them earlier, so we can know Him truly and also be pillars for others to lean on.

Karen said...

Good words, Simon. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I pray for a swift resolution.
Sometimes we want to say...okay, God...we GET it! Enough! Puleeeze!
About the manitis....I'm sorry. There is no cure for that. I live with three who have this condition. ;-)
I wouldn't have it any other way!

Kansas Bob said...

It is hard to be content with life when we are in pain. I have found that these times can bring deep change ... change that I hate because of the pain that change brings. Hang in there and remember that:

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:4)

Karen said...

KB, I know you speak from painful experience. Thanks.

bjk said...

I have no personal experience...I have nothing to offer you but prayers...BUT PRAYERS stupid to say huh......

praying big bold prayers....becky

Karen said...

Prayers are the very best, Becky. Thank you!