baggage...

I caught the end of "Hope Floats" on TV the other day while rummaging through some paperwork.
Sandra Bullock's character tells her daughter that "childhood is the thing you spend your adult life getting over." Or something like that.
I had to laugh. It really is true, and you'd think that after you hit 40 those issues would go away, but as I minister to people, there it is. It's in me, too. Past occurrences, especially parental induced, mess us up.
Much as I have a lot of "stuff" that still follows me around from my childhood, (and still have a 76 year-old-control-freak father who thinks I'm one of the stupidest people alive) there are many of my friends who have much more from which to break free.
We all seem to suffer from self-esteem problems of one level or another. So, then I have to wonder....how badly have I messed my own kids up?
Did I push 'em too much? Not enough? Did I hurt their feelings? Did I lift them up or drop them in despair?
They're all great kids...even the ones to which I didn't give birth.
My oldest is an Eagle scout. It was his dream to get Eagle. We had to push him through the last stages. He was trying to graduate, work, get a car, and make Eagle before his 18th birthday. That was a fun year! But, he made it, praise God.
My youngest struggled through Scouts because he thought we demanded it of him. He has retired a Star scout and all of us are relieved. He hasn't followed through on any of his passions; basketball, music, etc., for one reason or another. I think he hasn't found the "thing" because he's good at everything he tries. Straight A's with no effort. He most likely has more talent in one little finger...and a higher IQ than any of us...and he has no idea how incredible he is.
I did, though, ask him to draft me a letter as to why he wanted to quit scouts, so he did. I sealed it and mailed it to myself with a postmark--and filed it.
I didn't want him coming back to us when he is 30 and demanding why we let him quit when we encouraged his brother--which we only did because it was his brother's passion.
We wrap ourselves around the perception of others and take it as the truth. They see our flaws, our faults, our mistakes, our less-than-perfect appearances. We let that become our esteem-o-meter and walk in those untruths. One thoughtless (intended or not) word from a parent (or child, or friend, or spouse) can last a lifetime.
Sometime, though, as we work our way through our journey, we have to learn to shake it off--it's hard because the reflection of ourselves that we see from others seems to ring true--after all, they're LOOKING at us, right? They KNOW us, right? And, it can be the only "tangible" feedback that we get.
Somehow, though, we have to see our reflection in the right Light--from the right Source--from the One True Mirror. Him, of course. We're made in His image--not theirs. Anything bad we get from others in regard to ourselves is a poor reflection.
Everything here, in this realm, is small and unimportant compared to what will Be. Thank God.
If only we could always remember that, and strive to be instruments of True Reflection, for ourselves, our children, and others---but, truly, no one's opinion, bad OR good, matters! Only His opinion matters--and that's a done deal. We're loved, adored, sacrificed for. And, there's not a thing we can do about it.
:-)

Catch up

Life is sweet with Bob here.

I had to withdraw my application for the teacher assistant job because of my foot on doctor advice. Guess God's got something else planned. Maybe I'll get certified. Or maybe I'll paint more.

Foot is still not great. A friend dropped off a walking cast. It helps, but it weighs a ton and I feel like the Borg or something with it. "Resistance is futile. . . ."

Gracie's bloodwork, which is always a little weird because of a congenital kidney problem, came back a little scarier this time. She is her usual crazy, hungry, energetic, self though. The vets aren't too concerned at this point, but I've kind of freaked.

The heat has put me off of working in the backyard for right now. It doesn't seem to matter that it's not all "together." Had some friends over last Friday night. I put out candles, lights, etc., and with the wonders of fellowship, it came alive. One friend said, "This is just wonderful!" It was because they were all here.

I'm trying to finish projects that were already in the works; a lightweight blanket for Michael--must finish before they move in October; a mosaic table so I can get it out of the garage; a pet marker for a friend, and a couple more mosaic projects.

Also trying to get the PAPER stuff out of the house!! What happened to the "paperless" society?? I have to shred half of it so no one takes up the "special offers" in our names and recyle the rest of it. I'm proud to say our weekly trash is about 1-2 small bags--the rest is recyled. Do you all have this paper chase?

What's up with you?

A surprise knock on the door at 9:45pm

Pfc Robert is home early! He surprised his wife and son with an early arrival while they were eating out last night! Kyle told me he might be in early, but not to say anything. I was still surprised, thinking he was coming in TODAY! I heard a knock, Gracie was barking, but not her guard dog bark. I said, "Who is it?"
"Who do you think it is, mom?"
What a thrill! :-D
He'll be here for 12 days, then on to Special Ops training (I think) which is making him very happy. Which makes us very happy.
Now, to get my older boy in Boston and hubby in Phoenix home tonight. I'll be even more happy!

bittersweet

I miss my boy in Korea. He'll be home soon for a week. This morning I picked up my guitar for the first time in around a year and there was the strap he bought me for my birthday a couple of years ago, and I missed him more.

Luckily, I have a little sweet-faced reminder around.

Keeping up connections

I've been lax in visiting blogs this last week, and I missed Missy's post about a medical scare. I have many good face-to-face friends here in Texas, some of you in blogland have become those face-to-face friends like Missy and Don and Chappy. If I miss a crisis you're suffering, it bothers me the same as if it were happening with one of my Texas pals. Can't help it, that's the way I am.

I've talked with a few of you on the phone or IM, or Skype (Dave and Kriss!). That's been very special. Having a son who has most likely met his future wife via an online (W.O.W.) forum, I take my cyber-relationships pretty seriously. People get to know each other before ever meeting. . .like penpals of old. Lots of you are going through some tough stuff.

We're here for you--and know you're here for us as well.

I'm just sayin'.

Check 'em out. . .

Check out my heresy pages (;-D) and see what everyone put as answers to some random questions: Gary has a story! Whoa! and TimD...seriously, folks, check out his blog (link on my sidebar). Good, good stuff. Bothy Gary and Tim have amazing miracle stories that happened in the darndest places!

Stuff we miss. . .

AOL had a list of stuff "we" miss:

Grape NeHi Soda
House and Garden Mag
Use of vowels (as in texting-my 17 year old refuses to "text-speak")
Lard in pastry
Howard Johnson's (like it used to be)
Vent windows (in cars)
Screaming yellow zonkers
Train travel
New Potter books
Chromed metal on cars
Gelatin salad
Drive-in theaters
Gas attendants
MILKshakes
vinyl records
McD's fried pies
cursive writing
full size spare tire
day games during baseball playoffs
phone booths
pleasurable air travel
Hydrox cookies
Easy to open packaging
In-store lunch counters
The Far Side

I thought about it. I'm not sure I miss "stuff" so much. I miss:

Kids playing outside in summer
Only 3-5 channels on T.V.
Neighborhood BBQs
Everything shutting down on Sundays
Clothes hung on a clothesline
No privacy fences
Grandparents' house on Sunday
Farms
New school supplies' smell (and you kept your own!)

Got any to add?

Puzzle pieces

Gary Means directs us to a blog by Tim (which by the way is a good read!) and his struggles with healing. I can relate. A friend of mine feels deeply the pain a lot of you are going through, so healing is definitely a subject in the universe right now.

As I read Gary's and Tim's posts, I could relate. My anger about my stupid foot right now goes deeper than the foot and its pain. After struggling for years with Crohns, lupus, fibromyalgia, tinnitus and thyroid disease, I finally reached a point where I decided to be healed. I believed it. I thanked God for it. I started walking and strength-training. I'm losing weight. Now, I'm felled by a freaking foot. It's such a small thing, for God's sake, there are people suffering with horrible diseases--some in my own family.

I am blessed beyond belief, and yet I'm pissed off, too. So close.

I wonder what I'm missing.