Mercy came running

Heard that song on the radio today while driving. Went to the petstore and to the art store. I picked up a few drawing items that I needed in order to put some thought to paper. I have ideas, and I really need to focus and take time to put them down, to do some things on paper that please me. He gave me a gift, I know I'm supposed to share it...and I do tenfold. I feel that it's time for me to take some time for my own art.

My houseguest asked to uncover the keyboard that has been covered up for months. I haven't touched it. He is very talented and he has inspired my son to play guitar. My son has talent and an ear for music, as well. Like me, he can pick anything up and make a good noise. God has blessed us. There are a line of us in my family that have the creative gift.

Anyway, after young man played, I felt the urge to do the same...and did. I felt much better about life in general.

As challenging as someone can be in your life (and he is a very kind and gentle challenge) it's moments like this that make you realize that God puts people in our path not just for their journey... but also for our own.

Once there was a holy place

Evidence of God's embrace

And I can almost see mercy's

Pressed against the veil

Looking down with longing eyes

Mercy must have realized

That once His blood was sacrificed

Freedom would prevail

And as the sky grew dark

And the earth began to shake

With justice no longer in the way

Mercy came running Like a prisoner set free Past all my failures to the point of my need When the sin that I carried Was all I could see And when I could not reach mercy Mercy came running to me

Once there was a broken heart

Way too human from the start

And all the years left it torn apart

Hopeless and afraid

Walls I never meant to build

Left this prisoner unfulfilled

Freedom called but even still

It seemed so far away

I was bound by the chains

From the wages of my sin

Just when I felt like giving in

Mercy came running Like a prisoner set free Past all my failures to the point of my need When the sin that I carried Was all I could see And when I could not reach mercy Mercy came running to me

Sometimes I still feel so far

So far from where I really should be

He gently calls to my heart

Just to remind me.

Phillips, Craig and Dean

Scattered...

Sometimes, on a lesser scale (much lesser) I feel a little like Job. I was talking to a young man who is staying with us, and he mentioned he feels this way...and I realize that, lately, I feel the same way as well. He feels like God is "after him" in a bad way, when we all know God is "after us" in a good way.
Trying to mentor yet another cast-off child (young man) is draining me. I admit it. I see changes for the better, but I'm stymied. Every time I get one thing cleared off in my life and think that I might actually be able to concentrate on the things that I need to do in MY life....another bump in the road occurs.
I realize this happens with everyone.
I had the most horrible dreams last night...so spiritual, but so dismal. The last part was one of those dreams where you're trying to get somewhere but can't....I was trying to make a bus, but the bus left me behind....and I really didn't care.
My job is great, but I minister there to students all day. I'd like to come home to quiet and peace, but it is never there. Family, friends, etc., are always pulling at me. It's to the point where I have become numb. I go through the motions and say the right things, only because it's God speaking through me and giving me His compassion to carry on..because the only feelings I have right now are anger or numbness. Christmas was not fun; I was sick and tired and no one really cared that I was overdoing it...even though I had others bring stuff, I ended up doing all of the cooking and cleaning. Whining again, I know. I have:
Anger at selfishness (and my own victim mentality)
Anger at families who screw up their children and expect others to take over and "fix" it.
Anger at laziness. I'm exhausted. Trying to overcome my own exhaustion to do the things I WANT to do is impossible. I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I slept 10 hours and am still exhausted.
I have no time to paint, draw, write, or dream. I thought as my kids got older it would get easier. Now, I have a son in Afghanistan, another who needs to move forward in his life, someone else's child who needs to build self-esteem.
Anger at behavioral problems. A significant person in my life is passive-aggressive. Although this person is trying very hard to overcome it, and making great strides, the hurt and anger and baggage that I carry for thinking that it's all been me all these years stands in the way of forgiveness.
I've shut off from others, and they have shut off from me. In the past, I forged through the walls that people built because I know that people build walls to protect themselves--but they also put them up to see who cares enough to push past those walls to offer a hand. I now only push past by the grace of God through those walls. Mine still stand.
They say that you can't fill another's cup unless yours is full. Mine is drained and I never thought I'd get to this point. I realize that God is the one who fills...but I keep tapping mine to try to get to the last bit. It's gone. I can't even cry.
This morning, I've been kicking people's butts to get things done. My house is a wreck on one side because of the situation we're in. Having to push people to do things so that I can have more peace in my own home makes me angry. Having to constantly be the "fixer" is frustrating to the max when, right now, I'm the one who needs fixing.
There's a song about how one feels God more than ever when everything falls apart, "I feel you now more than I did then....I feel You when I fall apart."
Yeah, it's like that. Thank God.

Where have I been?

Saw friend Donna in the store the other day. That's where we pretty much see each other when we see each other. ;-)
She said, "You're not writing much..." and I realized she meant my blog here. I haven't been here since February. Why is that? I talk about Facebook being so easy, yet voyeuristic. And, yet, I don't blog. Facebook has begun to make me feel vulnerable, too exposed. Too many coworkers, etc., that I'm friends with...I don't want everyone to know the inner workings of my life. Most don't know about this blog. I want to keep it that way.
I've had a rough patch these past months. Up and down Lupus numbers. I'm lucky that it's so mild...but fatigue is a difficult thing. People don't understand dragging through days sometimes. I love my job, though, and can always find the energy to go there. A smile or a hug from a child certainly transfers energy to my soul. These two weeks off were welcome since I've been battling bronchitis on top of everything else...but now I'll need to use the next week to rest up! No matter how much I resist, for some reason, since I'm the female...the holidays seem to rest upon my shoulders. It doesn't matter if I say I'm not up to it...I always cave and always do too much.
We have a new person in the house. A friend of my sons' who battles a few demons of his own. His family is very dysfunctional, and suffice to say, he has suffered for it. He has no car, is working, but no one in his family will house him and help him get back on his feet. He was in a car accident a few years ago, and his dad kept the insurance money instead of giving it to him for a down payment on a new car.
No car....hard to work. His mother, a hoarder and alcoholic whose other children won't speak to her, locked him out of the apartment in cold rain. His brother offered him a place to sleep....in his car. These people say they are Christians.
He has a job now. Is saving money for a car. We'll be going to an auction soon, I hope.
I've seen so much selfishness, so much egocentrism, dishonesty, and arrogance lately that my heart is hurting. I don't understand. Can the world truly revolve around everyone individually all at once?? ;-)
So, this story and a bunch of others weigh on my heart and I cling to my little ones at school because I see sparks of love in them...and I want to feed that love. Maybe they'll remember that some old lady named Ms. D. told them that they would change the world for the better..and maybe they will! There is so much potential in these kids. What happens to alter us so horribly when we grow up?
Is this a bummer of a post?? Ha! Sorry. I'm pondering, and will continue to do so......Merry Christmas! Praying for the blessings of the Holy Spirit upon you all.

Pats on the back...

Isn't it nice to get a pat on the back once in a while? I got one at school on Friday and it meant a lot. Getting hugs from kids means even more, though. There is one little girl in particular who always runs to give me a hug. I'm telling ya, a job you love is worth millions.

I'm sure God gives us pats on the back. I wonder if we see them or feel them? Maybe it's in those moments when we get a burst of energy to push past whatever stuff we're dealing with. Is it a pat, or a shove? ;-) Either way, I'm sure He knows what we need.

I'm pushing past a lot of stuff lately, but I'm learning that everything happens in God's time, not mine. This job reminds me of that. I kept dragging my feet, not applying, and people kept asking me why I didn't apply. I would say that the low $ was holding me back, but it wasn't just that. The principal at the time was just not a nice man. Very vindictive and destructive. Now, we have a principal and vice-principal that are amazingly upbeat and supportive. To have these wonderful women give me a hug, tell me they love me and my work...well, that's so nice.
He definitely set me on a good path. I wonder where else it will lead? I hope your path is easy, and your burdens light!

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:6

January

It's been cold here, but the temp today is 59 and sunny. I can live with that!

Work is kickin' my rear; hope your jobs and careers are going well. Rest up on the weekends!

Stick man is still at it. Was out in the cold. He must adhere to Teddy R's belief that if you feel puny, you should go out in the wilderness and live the rough life!

I tried to register to take the special ed proficiency certification test today. I decided, let's just take it, if we flunk it, we'll at least know what to expect. Ha! The registration is down all weekend. Is that a sign??

Have a great weekend!