God's promises

I feel like I've just come home from an exhausting battle. A mini-hell, so to speak. I took great comfort from your comments on my last post. I tried so hard to get the anxiety I was experiencing under control, to no avail. Rational thought, logic, meditation, self-hypnosis...nothing worked. What a nightmare! I'd wake up in the morning in a panic attack every morning....for no real reason. I'd look at a picture and it would touch off some memory...that would then set off an anxiety attack, sadness, feelings of loss. All the things in life that gave me joy were stolen by fear and panic. I ended up taking low doses of xanax so I could just get enough calm to talk off the negative thoughts, the "ANTs" as Dr. Amen, that brain dude, calls them. Automatic Negative Thoughts.
I thought I was going insane. I remembered my mom and my grandmother being anxious all the time and I regretted every irritated thought that I remember I had when they would express anxiousness (which they usually did in an irritated way.) I thought, okay, this is payback for lack of patience.
I decided to go to the doctor and get all hormones checked. My DHEA came back very low for my age; 2 others were high. I have to have another couple tests on Monday, but for the last week and a half, doc has had me on a high dose of DHEA for 5 days, and lower dose for the rest of this month.
No more anxiety.
I had a stressful week and was sure that it would set me off, but no attacks.
Is it that simple?! Amazing. DHEA. Who would have thought? My Chinese doc's been trying to get me to take that for over a year.
Now I have to get through the tests on Monday; a bit concerned, but not losing any sleep over it. Peace in a little bottle, and not xanax.
Then, in retrospect, I felt so bad for my mom and grandma. Mom took lots of cortisone for her lupus...and probably was suffering the same effects. This makes me sad, but I pray and I believe they are now no longer in any mood but joyful!
A couple summers ago, we had to have our backyard trees taken out, leaving a constant barren and sun-filled garden. Not being able to hang out in the sun, I was disappointed. I had a rose bush, Lady Jane roses I think, by my garden wall but they never produced roses. Too much shade. This year has been a bounty. There are even more on this bush now than when the picture was taken.
I thought about God's promises. He doesn't promise that we won't suffer loss, but He does promise that He'll be there with us. He turns mourning into gladness. Whatever has been taken in my life has always been replaced with something amazing--blessings after loss.
I hope you are walking in blessings and gladness, too.

Those special people....

I'm posting his name.....Michael Stephen Dunn. My friend and brother in Christ. Sometimes people come into your life that change the way you think about life, God, living, ministering.
Mike did that for me and for many others....some who may not even know that the man was praying for them. Mike passed away today from struggling with the effects of chemo on his body.
He is finally where he has always wanted to be....in the arms of our Creator.

For Gracie and all the dogs we've loved before.....

Emily's Amazing Grace * September 17, 2003-October 1, 2009

Missing you so.

This one will get me into trouble....

Update:
An anonymous poster submitted a couple of sarcastic comments, the last of which was:
"Thank you Karen, for helping us to think and to expand our minds."
I'm assuming that "anonymous" thinks that I think I'm pretty darn smart. What I am is convicted. Convicted of having had hard and harsh feelings toward homosexuals.
That's over. Who below is the worst sinner? Answer: all of them. They all fall short of the Glory of God for one reason or another--just like the rest of us. None of us measure up, but praise Him, we were redeemed at Calvary.

Four Men
The Tales of Dave, Wayne, Peter, and Dan


Dave has been with his beloved for over 25 years. It’s been a difficult partnership because of his inability to remain faithful. Many times he has been kicked out and many times he has been forgiven and allowed to return. Dave is intelligent and gifted—he is an airline pilot. He loves to ride his bike and walk with his canine companion, Zoe. Dave is a believer but doesn’t attend church very often. One of his closest friends passed away suddenly last month. He now owns and drives his friend’s van as a tribute to him.

Wayne is a huge sports fan and owns a small restaurant. He is a believer, and one of his favorite things is going to baptisms. He doesn’t go to church much, though, he appreciates the celebrations that happen there. He loves jogging, and walking his dog, and has an infectious laugh. Truthfully, he's a bit of a slob. He has been with his beloved over 20 years, too, however, they have remained faithful to one another.

Peter is a pastor. He is the son of a rather famous minister. When his dad died, Peter wasn’t the heir to the corporate ministry that his father built up, but contested the will and after a few years of battling, won the corporation back from the people who were named by his father to inherit. Peter has a lot of experience in film making and producing. Peter knows his Bible, has a good sense of fun, and has a devoted congregation; it’s small, but one that has remained for several years, particularly the youth ministry. He is in his early 60's and very fit. . . appearances are very important to him. He has been with his beloved, also a pastor, for over 35 years. They are truly in love.

Dan is a skilled carpenter and a believer. He’s been with his beloved for many years. He makes beautiful cabinets, tables, and is able to fix just about anything around the house. Home Depot is his favorite place. He has a quick wit and good sense of humor. He used to be in a high-tech management job, but he has a problem with stress, so downsized his career. He is fighting a losing battle with his weight. He speaks his mind. For instance, just the other day at the store, he spied a woman parking in a handicapped place without a tag or license plate. He challenged her, and she replied she was only going in for moment. He asked her, “What if someone who is truly handicapped needs this spot?” She ignored him. Injustice bothers Dan.


Dave and his wife Anna are working very hard at reconciling. Peter remains pastor at his church and travels and speaks, often with his wife, Julie. Wayne and Dan are life partners for over 23 years.

Still crazy after all these days.....

Off to work this morning. We had a "snow" day here in the Lone Star state yesterday. Everyone was home and we all ate way too much. It wasn't bad weather, really--compared to midwest and northern standards--just unexpected....oldest went off to school...which was supposed to open at noon, but wasn't. So, we watched Michael for a few hours while momma took a much needed long winter's nap.

My prayers about whether to get certified this year to teach full time were answered. I'm pretty sure it was an answer because it wasn't the one I was wanting. I really wanted to go after the full time, pay check on a regular schedule thing; instead I got a flurry of phone calls for work, an incredible brainfull of images and direction for some paintings for Him. and the Word "Wait." And, now I'm thinking....what was I thinking? So, that's that till I hear differently.

Still wrangling with my problem, but I thank you all who prayed! That meant everything and has helped tremendously!

And there I thought absolutely nothing could be done! ;-)

On pain and joy...

don posts an interesting post (January 9th...but they're all good!) This hit me on many levels today. I'm dealing with a couple of issues that I can do nothing about at the moment. Absolutely nothing. I'd rather not post my problem at this time...you all know me too well that I certainly would if I could. I'm fine...just dealing with these issues is very painful right now. I like what Don's post says about joy. I'm certainly finding that joy amidst the pain and it's because of Him.

New Year's Resolution.....

Okay, a lot of these were sent to me, but as I've been cleaning and throwing out, I decided to gather all the books that I've either been reading, will read, or want to read again. At the top of the stack is a DVD collection that I need to view and send on to Patchouli. I know you can't make out all the titles, but what's YOUR stack look like?!
Happy New Year to my BlogBuddies! You make me so happy! Abundant blessings to you and yours!

Revelations

I love the time after Christmas, especially the new year coming. I'm in the midst of cleaning and painting my house. I'm painting my paneling in my living room. I know, gasps from the crowd about painting good wood paneling. Well, I felt that way, too, but I've lived here since 1985 with it, and it's lovely picture frame paneling, but I finally settled on a color and we're going to love it. Our house faces north, so the sun doesn't shine into the windows much. I need light, lots of it, and the color I chose is cozy, almondy, and warm while lightening things up a bit.

Walking Gracie this morning, it's trash day, and I see everyone has their Christmas trash set out. You can tell a lot about people from their trash! Some houses had the remnants of food; popcorn maker boxes, pizza, cookware. Another house had carpet, broken tile. Another had toy boxes, lots of them. One had office boxes: shredder box, file boxes, etc. Most had old trash out. Looks like they're cleaning, too.

What would my trash tell others about me? Well, I think that our trash right now is full of stuff that we've hung on to for far too long. Useless, broken stuff that is not necessary to our living now, and certainly might hold us back from moving forward. Old clothes, kids' toys, ripped up dog toys, old linens, magazines, broken appliances. We're cleaning lots of this out and it's comforting to see the stuff leave.

I guess winter is God's clean-out time. The trees have shed their dead and useless limbs...and their leaves. (all over my yard! ;-)) They are bare and stark now, but ready to bud in the spring and begin again, fresh. So we should be.

Kansas Bob has been talking about healing. It's a major factor in his life and his family's life. Mine, too. This year has been a revelation to me. I've dealt with a lot of health issues, and wondered why I haven't healed. One blog buddy sent me some great books and a CD on healing which have certainly helped me out in this journey. Thanks again!

I have had 3 contentious relationships in the last year, but thankfully, the Lord has filled those voids with loving people in abundance. I have blamed myself for these relationships until, of all people, my 19 year-old sat me down and told me how it is. Having someone who can step away from your situation is a great blessing. As I've said before, God leads me to people who will minister to me, He is so good. My kid pointed out that it's not my fault about these folks; he suggested that they have some personality disorders (don't we all?) that I had nothing to do with. I think he was on the mark. I thought I was so smart and I have to have a 19 year old knock me upside the head. God works. Isn't it funny how we have problems, and we try to fix them, and we throw our hands up in the air, saying, "Well...I've done everything I can, guess all I can do now is pray!" when the praying part should always come first?

The amazing thing from all of this is that I have experienced a modicum of physical healing from these revelations. By turning the blame away from myself (and I'm not blaming these people. They also need to be healed) I'm receiving healing! Maybe this is what God had in mind. That I would stop hurting myself because of anger or sadness over others. It's easy for me to minister to those I don't know very well. It's easy to keep distant and rational and helpful. But when I have a close relationship with someone, and something goes awry, I always blame myself. It takes 2 to "tangle" of course. I can't change their behavior, but I can certainly change mine.

So in the last few weeks since this has happened, God has reminded me of the many wonderful people and relationships that I have that are give-and-take, healthy, truly supportive and loving. I'm the luckiest gal around! I feel stronger physically and especially in Him....and ready to move forward. I guess, with God's leading, I'm cleaning out a lot of the old stuff, and it's comforting to see that stuff leave! What stuff do YOU need to toss out?

I pray for healing for those of you that need it, as well, in asking Him to help you find what you may need.