Spring

Spring break is just about over...I didn't get as much done as I had hoped. I did a LOT of walking...got up at my usual time...the dogs just won't let me sleep...and that's okay. Time for coffee and talking to Father.

I have so many friends that need prayer....Tommy, Diane, and Nanette need healing from cancer, Theresa needs a transplant, others need JOBS and provision, marriages need healing, parents need help.

Spent the day with Connie yesterday and it was one of the best days in a long while...lunch, singing worship songs, laughing....fellowship is good for the soul....I seem to forget that from time to time.

Enjoy this season....it's rebirth, resurrection, taking deep breaths and moving forward.....

March already

The year is moving too fast, and I am moving too slow.

On the positive side, I'm getting fit-er and losing weight. I feel better physically and am not as tired during the day. The lupus flare seems to have lessened as well, although I have a lovely butterfly rash on my face that adds to the wonderful-ness of aging. Thank God for aloe and makeup.

I've spent more time in introspection than I have on the struggles of others...and I don't like that. Focusing on my own problems, faults, and other boring bits is not why I'm here.

The pain that others are going through is palpable. Friend Kathy has lost all of her original family, I think. Mom, sister, brother and dad all within an unreasonable time period. My heart aches for her.

Kansas Bob and his lovely wife Ann are struggling as well. I think about them daily as they walk this journey out.

Others are going through other painful trials. We all are. When we pull out of our own stuff, and concentrate on making someone else smile, everyone heals just a little bit.

Walked dogs at least 7 miles this weekend. Spring at the lake here has sprung. If anyone cannot believe in the resurrection, just point them to the dead looking brances and trees....they are a yearly reminder that our lives are in cycle all the time..and that rebirth is a fact of our lives here in this realm, as well as in the next.

Time to focus on rebirth.

Pats on the back...

Isn't it nice to get a pat on the back once in a while? I got one at school on Friday and it meant a lot. Getting hugs from kids means even more, though. There is one little girl in particular who always runs to give me a hug. I'm telling ya, a job you love is worth millions.

I'm sure God gives us pats on the back. I wonder if we see them or feel them? Maybe it's in those moments when we get a burst of energy to push past whatever stuff we're dealing with. Is it a pat, or a shove? ;-) Either way, I'm sure He knows what we need.

I'm pushing past a lot of stuff lately, but I'm learning that everything happens in God's time, not mine. This job reminds me of that. I kept dragging my feet, not applying, and people kept asking me why I didn't apply. I would say that the low $ was holding me back, but it wasn't just that. The principal at the time was just not a nice man. Very vindictive and destructive. Now, we have a principal and vice-principal that are amazingly upbeat and supportive. To have these wonderful women give me a hug, tell me they love me and my work...well, that's so nice.
He definitely set me on a good path. I wonder where else it will lead? I hope your path is easy, and your burdens light!

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:6

The Stick Man

As we drive in and out of our neighborhood, we often see Bill, an older fellow, out and about. The road we travel out of has no homes facing either side; just fences and a grassy area to the street.

Bill is probably not as old as he looks. He's pleasant enough, very cordial and mannerly. He is a gentleman. He is quite slender and white haired. He mostly wears dark slacks and a white tee-shirt. He moves from one end of his side of the street to around the middle. He labors in the cold or the heat. I've seen him in 100 degree weather. I've asked if we can help. He politely declines and thanks me.

He picks up and moves sticks and branches from one part of the street to another.

I'm fascinated by this activity; as I said, I've offered help, but this appears to be Bill's thing to do. Is he well? Is he delusional?

The work he is doing is not really improving or altering the appearance of the grassy knolls. He makes a pile one day, then collects them up to another pile another day. I suspect that there is a mental thing going on, but, I also suspect that Bill is also acting on basic human nature.

We need purpose.

In his eyes and mind, he is collecting the chaotic and cleaning up the area.

I can identify with this. Can you? I must feel useful in order to feel good about myself. Now, whether this is the Father's complete plan for us is another matter. He certainly wants us to rest, to play, to ponder, to drink coffee--er, scratch that last one! He knows we require balance in our lives...something that I struggle with constantly. I feel guilty if I'm not active.

So, Bill may be pursuing purpose here, while he's still here. He's not always there, so I assume he has balance in some manner of his existence--he must rest. Maybe his purpose isn't just moving sticks. Maybe, just maybe, he is also reminding us to put the sticks down once in a while.


Happy New Year! Praying for a blessed 2011 for you and yours!

Progress

Progress with one of our spec ed kiddos, the non-verbal. He has some violent tendencies, but he loves music. I brought my guitar a Friday ago and I played one song. He signed, "More, please."
!!!
Awesome! I almost cried.
One of the first things I've taught him is emotions on the CHATT board. When he can tell us he is angry, sad, etc., he is less likely to lash out. I guess that's true of us all, hmm?
I'm struggling with the certification thing. I'm so tired when I come home. I do more than expected, and take work home. If I'm teaching, I'll have even more coming home. With CMS and Lupus, I just don't know if I can do it. A bit frustrating. I usually end up taking a nap when I get home and don't get much else accomplished.
Got to let Him lead the way. It's hard. I keep getting in His way.
This year is flying by. I find that I am letting little distractions get in the way of my visits with our Father. That makes me more stressed and scattered. I have a new friend, a bipolar fellow, who is pressing into God and that has helped me to get more grounded. We always have to be brought back, don't we? We let past and future mess with our present.

Exodus 4:2
The Lord askes Moses, "What is in your hand?"

We are led out of bondage, right?
The shepherd's staff is in our hand. No regrets about the past, no fear about the future. Stay in the present with His plans for us.
Gotta remember that.

Throwing my arms up....

Can you hear me laughing through pain? If so, could you record it so I can hear it? Ha!
Since my last posts, I've been battling other 'demons' so to speak. Now, I'm down with a back problem that hasn't improved but briefly, in a week. Normally, I'm okay after a couple days.

Having to cancel a week's work of subbing at the school I just applied to for a para job will NOT look good. No kidding, I've applied 3 times for that job and something always came up.

So, here's to you Lord of the Universe....just please tell me what you want me to do. I give up! ;-)

Tests

Tests were fine yesterday. I found myself praying for other people getting tested so I wouldn't be too worried. It turned out to be a great day; good reports and hubby took me to health center and out to lunch. He's been a rock through all of this. It's strengthened our relationship ten-fold.
I forgot, on last post, to mention the only thing that really helped me through this: prayer. Nothing else worked. It was through Godly conversation that I got the idea to check everything. Looking back, this struggle put a strain on my relationship with Him. I was just so tired of battling everything.
This certainly doesn't mean that there are no more battles. But, I have this on record to remind me of Who is there always.

God's promises

I feel like I've just come home from an exhausting battle. A mini-hell, so to speak. I took great comfort from your comments on my last post. I tried so hard to get the anxiety I was experiencing under control, to no avail. Rational thought, logic, meditation, self-hypnosis...nothing worked. What a nightmare! I'd wake up in the morning in a panic attack every morning....for no real reason. I'd look at a picture and it would touch off some memory...that would then set off an anxiety attack, sadness, feelings of loss. All the things in life that gave me joy were stolen by fear and panic. I ended up taking low doses of xanax so I could just get enough calm to talk off the negative thoughts, the "ANTs" as Dr. Amen, that brain dude, calls them. Automatic Negative Thoughts.
I thought I was going insane. I remembered my mom and my grandmother being anxious all the time and I regretted every irritated thought that I remember I had when they would express anxiousness (which they usually did in an irritated way.) I thought, okay, this is payback for lack of patience.
I decided to go to the doctor and get all hormones checked. My DHEA came back very low for my age; 2 others were high. I have to have another couple tests on Monday, but for the last week and a half, doc has had me on a high dose of DHEA for 5 days, and lower dose for the rest of this month.
No more anxiety.
I had a stressful week and was sure that it would set me off, but no attacks.
Is it that simple?! Amazing. DHEA. Who would have thought? My Chinese doc's been trying to get me to take that for over a year.
Now I have to get through the tests on Monday; a bit concerned, but not losing any sleep over it. Peace in a little bottle, and not xanax.
Then, in retrospect, I felt so bad for my mom and grandma. Mom took lots of cortisone for her lupus...and probably was suffering the same effects. This makes me sad, but I pray and I believe they are now no longer in any mood but joyful!
A couple summers ago, we had to have our backyard trees taken out, leaving a constant barren and sun-filled garden. Not being able to hang out in the sun, I was disappointed. I had a rose bush, Lady Jane roses I think, by my garden wall but they never produced roses. Too much shade. This year has been a bounty. There are even more on this bush now than when the picture was taken.
I thought about God's promises. He doesn't promise that we won't suffer loss, but He does promise that He'll be there with us. He turns mourning into gladness. Whatever has been taken in my life has always been replaced with something amazing--blessings after loss.
I hope you are walking in blessings and gladness, too.

Notes from the desert

I feel like I've been wandering for 40 years. Or maybe about 52. I've been in a place that I thought I'd never be...or, at least stay for any length of time. I thought stuff would roll off of me easier as I got older, but fear just seems to be my nasty friend lately...or was. I feel like I've been up to my neck in sand...or, rather, quicksand.


I thought God had left me, then I realized He was always here, I just was listening to the wrong voice; the voice that lies to us and tries to steal our joy. I seem to battle this battle a lot, and I'm darned tired of it. Talk about repeating lessons.

Joshua 1:9 (New International Version) Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

And, yet...walking away from the hospital experience left me fearful again. My fears of disability rise and fall frequently. For some stupid reason, I don't pay attention to all the good results I got from all the poking and prodding they did. In the end, it was nothing, and if it wasn't, there isn't a lot more I can do about anything. My diet and such is as good as it gets. Only He knows the number of our days.


My experience there was positive. It wasn't til I got home that the anxiety stuff started up. I guess when you have a ministry that involves prayer, you get hit with all the sadness and illness that is out there, and that breeds empathy, which can breed fear. I had a thought that the reason I was there when I was, wasn't for ME, it was for all of them there. Connie came up and we ministered to one nurse. I had nurses and techs come in, and I resolved to greet them all as if they were royalty...and they, in turn, treated me the same. I heard a lot of stories from them; stories about their own pain and sadness. I encouraged as much as I could. I got to share faith with them, too. It was an amazing experience. Until I got some of the bills, of course. ;-)


When my dad was in the hospital, I felt very much alone. My brother can't help, but when my husband could get some time from work, he came up and helped. He helped toward the end of the stint when I was just about out of patience. Dad had surgery on a Sunday, and I walked into the waiting room. There was one other family there. I headed for the coffee pot and one of the men came over and warned me about the ickiness of said java. I thanked him and went for some tea. By the time I sat down, they were called to go see their loved one. That left me all alone in the huge waiting room. I busied myself with crosswords, books, internet, etc., in hopes of not thinking about my dad not surviving. Had I known the extent of his gallbladder problem, I'd have been worse off, but I did suspect. I was also concerned about his age and having to have platelets administered because of his taking Plavix. By the grace of God, it had ruptured up against his liver, which kept the contents smooshed and encapsulated by the other side of the intact gallbladder wall.

I felt very alone as I sat there, and said, "Lord, I know you're here and all, but I'm feeling pretty lonely and worried. I need some help." I mean, have you EVER seen an empty surgery waiting room??

In a minute or two, in walks a woman around my age. We look at each other, and she heads for the coffee machine. I told her to avoid it if possible. She thanks me. I look back at my book and she starts to sit down. I ask her, "How are you?" She stands up and looks at me and responds, "I'm doing good with the strength of the Lord! How are you?" I responded that I was, too, now! She said, "You know, I came in here asking the Lord that I knew He was here, but to please not leave me all alone without another soul. " I said, "Me, too. Now, we're not alone." We' praised God.

Isn't that amazing? We still keep in touch. We talked and both of us work with Special Ed kids. She is planning a ministry. Pretty awesome work by our Papa God.

So, you'd think that I'd just chill and shut up with the whining and fear and get over it, and trust, right?? Well, the disciples doubted and they had Him right there with them in the flesh.

The other day I was dealing with this stuff again; fear about health, the future, etc. I got exasperated and yelled out in the car (sure that looked good to others) " I need something from You! Please!"

Then the plumber came to the house. Our commode was making a leaking noise and my engineer hubby thought it best not to try to fix it. Probably a wise move. Anyway, I tidied up the toilet area, and took the copy of The Shack from there out of his way. (yeah, we read there, too) I almost put it on the bookshelf in the bedroom, but instead felt compelled to leave it in the bathroom in full view. When the plumber (Jerry) came in, that was the first thing he saw and from there ensued an incredible conversation of testimony about how the book helped him; his recovery from alcoholism, his personal relationship with Jesus, etc. It was amazing, too.

So, I'm better. Still battling, but I realize the battle is with nothing more than the enemy...and sometimes I am my own enemy. I have an auto-immune disease, which means that my body fights against itself.

Time to stop that. The sword is out to fight the right battles, not for self-inflicted wounds.

Why? Why??

I don't know why I hang on the facebook thing. It's like voyeurism...a quick peek at everyone's life.

This takes more work. I've already talked about it, but maybe I'm getting lazy in my old age.

I've applied and been accepted in an alternative certification process for special ed. I'll eventually get certified to teach art...that should be easy, but the special ed kids just pull at my heart. I overheard some teachers complaining about one of my kiddos the other day, and it really stabbed at me. I'm subbing for a long period for a teacher who is out with an injury. I'll be replaced after I'm there close to 30 days for a certified special ed sub because I'm not "highly qualified" yet. Good luck is all I can say to that sub. I've known the kids I'm working with for 4 years. I'm worried about when they have a stranger with them. It's been hard enough without their regular teacher that they've known even longer than me.

Spent a night and a day in the hospital being poked and prodded after a suspected TIA; my regular Dr. thinks it is a sciatic thing. I lost almost all sensation in a leg. Kinda freaked me out and made me reconsider working full time. It seems my working has just been interupted with family and me being sick...my dad was in the hospital for gallbladder removal a month or so ago. I spent a week up in his neck of the woods bouncing back and forth between the hospital and making sure my step mom was okay with home health care.

I'm on prednisone and fighting every impulse to eat anything that comes my way. Chocolate...fear me!! It's just a short course, so hopefully the damage won't be done too much.

Getting older is freaky. I've gotten so much joy out of working with these kids, the days fly by. It won't be easy, but we'll see where God is leading.

I have a few hospital stories to share...both from my dad's stay, and mine. God made Himself known both places! Next time! :-)

Those special people....

I'm posting his name.....Michael Stephen Dunn. My friend and brother in Christ. Sometimes people come into your life that change the way you think about life, God, living, ministering.
Mike did that for me and for many others....some who may not even know that the man was praying for them. Mike passed away today from struggling with the effects of chemo on his body.
He is finally where he has always wanted to be....in the arms of our Creator.

Numbers that matter

A resounding theme with folks who are ill is numbers. Blood counts, percentages, antibody levels, kidney function. We all hold our breath to see the "numbers."
I've seen, through the work of the Lord, that these numbers don't always mean much. We're told Gracie has had 5% kidney function for some time now. I cannot accept that, and we don't accept it, nor receive it. How in the world could an animal, or a human, run like a maniac on 5% kidney function? True, she may drop dead running. That wouldn't be a bad thing, going while doing what you love, now, would it?
Numbers aren't all they are cracked up to be...or at least some of them.
You may find this next story a little TMI, but that's okay. For a week, every morning at 3:16 I kept waking up to, well, you know...go to the bathroom. Every time I'd look at the clock, it was 3:16. I even had a dream that I had to be somewhere at 3:16.
It was seriously driving me crazy.
Finally, exasperated, I just asked. "LORD!!! What are you trying to tell me by sending me to the John at 3:16?!?"
Oh.
John 3:16
He has a sense of humor. He has to. He made ME.
The Concordant Literal NT:
"For thus God loves the world, so that He gives His only-begotten Son, that every believing in Him should no be perishing (middle voice) but may be having life eonian."
I know that is a slightly different verse than you are used to, but it makes perfect sense to me, with my universalist leanings. It also yells hope and promise all over the place for the people I worry about.
I don't know if it speaks to you; I hope it does. Some numbers matter.

August Ramblings...

This is long. If you don't feel like wading through, at least read the last paragraph and verse. ;-)

I've been absent here...Facebook draws attention and addiction, but I want to put things here that I'm feeling...stuff that I don't want on FB. It has its merit, but sometimes we forget who all is reading that....that happens here, too, but I've kept my blog a bit of a secret to some friends and family.

This has been a roller-coaster season for me. I've been angry. I've been depressed. I've been frustrated. I've been joyful. I've been at utter peace and in utter desperation. Missy has been reporting on her journey with auto-immune disease. It makes me mad that she is going through this and brings back my journey of 20 some years ago when it officially began. I have several friends struggling so mightily that it makes me beyond pissed off. Robert's dealing with his heart issues--so unfair that a man with such a good heart is struggling with that physical heart. I have friends with cancer. My brother and stepmom's neurological diseases are progressing--Jill at Altered with ALS, KB and wife Ann struggling. We learn so much from these struggles; everyone has a journey, but now at my age, it begins to create more fear and anger. I'm supposed to be a mature spiritual person, and these things aren't supposed to phase me as much anymore, right? It seems I am able to handle them less.

Struggling on a day to day basis with my best furry friend has been heartbreaking, exhilarating, and frustrating all in one. Some folks won't understand the caring so much for a dog, but this one is special to me because she has changed my life. It's so unfair to watch her spirit, her life, her happiness, knowing that vital organs are failing, and yet be blessed that she is doing so well. She doesn't want to eat kidney diet food, so I have to prepare special stuff for her. When she turns her nose up at stuff I've labored over, it really gets me. A lot of people wouldn't even do this for their pets. I just can't give up for now. I had guilt over missed symptoms, but I think I've been relieved of that, believing that God has big plans for us all, in all circumstances. Women get bent out of shape when loved ones won't eat, don't you think? My guys say, "She's not hungry, forget it." Dogs are ALWAYS hungry. She wants to eat what she wants to eat, so that's where we are. Quality of life over quantity. Women, when someone dies or is sick, cook. We are life-bringers. Food=life. That's what we do.


I've never been on so much medication in my life. My lupus has flared, and I'm on a bunch of stuff I would never have touched before. Supplements, too. Only 2 medications pictured here are essential to my survival...my thyroid meds. The rest are treating symptoms of pain, fatigue, and depression. I take them with an open mind and a prayer that it is only for a short time. I am so tired, I fall asleep when I sit for any length of time.

Yet, still, if you've read this far, I have hope. Not Obama hope, mind you. ;-)
I've applied for a full time job that may open up in the next few weeks at the school that I love. It's not available yet, but God will figure all that out. I'm still a sub. I've worked on murals through this lupus season. I keep yelling at God, and He sticks with me no matter what.

The other day I was filling up my car with gas and I looked around at all the people wandering around without talking to each other. The TV show, "Joan of Arcadia" came to mind....God talks to Joan through other people, stepping into them to give her a word, a scolding, etc. I actually started berating God under my breath..."What's all this about, huh? What's with all the suffering?! Why are you letting good people hurt? Why can't you send one of these people over to give me a WORD....SOMETHING, ANYTHING from you that can soften this anger I have?! I don't want to be angry with You!" Nothing. I finished filling up and paying and went on my way. I needed to pick up some stuff from the vet, so walked in and it was empty except for a woman with a young, black mixed-breed dog. The dog's face was battle-scarred. White, furless, lines showed through the short black fur on her face. Scars showed up over her body. Yet, for whatever she had been through, she ambled over to me when I sat down. She put her paws on my knees, then reached a paw up to my face. I leaned over, placing my hands on her, softly petting her. She gave me sweet doggie kisses. Her owner came over and sat. I said, "What a sweet girl you have. What is her name?"
The woman responded, "Grace."
Ask and receive. :-)

Matthew 11:28-30 (New International Version)
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Update

Just back from the vet for acupuncture for Gracie; we haven't checked her kidney numbers in a couple of weeks--decided that she's feeling good, eating, playing, etc., and there's not anything more we can do for her than we're already doing. I've got her routine down pretty good. Dr. says it appears she isn't in any pain, etc., and I think that's true because she knocks me over in the morning to get outside to play. I think they are surprised.
We are really blessed! Thanking God, and thank you so much for prayers and good thoughts!
I have no idea when or how things will happen (who does about anything?), which has been a valuable lesson through all of this. We are learning to take things a day at a time. Or, at least, still trying.

Things I've learned from Gracie:

Greet the new day with anticipation.
Play whenever you can.
Greet everyone as a friend.
Forgive.
Look at the same old things as if they're new.
Nap when possible.
Get some sun.
Listen
Walk. A lot.
Live in the moment.
Live with joy.

Added "listen." She does that very well....

One day at a time....

..That's what Gracie is teaching me (with our Dad at the helm, of course). She's had good days, and we're heading off to the vet in a little bit to check her blood. She'll get some acupuncture, too. Last week it jazzed her up, and it made us both feel better. The lesson here is really that we're only promised this day. Gracie wakes up with a smile on her face and is still rarin' to go. Skinny girl, but eats enough to chase the ball and squirrels.

Robert is heading to Iraq. His wife sent me the send-off pictures from Ft. Hood and those made me cry. 12 to 16 months. I worry about him, and will just have to put him in God's hands.

Like just about everything else, right?

This song from Downhere has comforted me these days:



Yes, Marc Martel sounds (and looks) a lot like Freddie Mercury as evidenced by this little number he did for a church that had a message based on Bohemian Rhapsody. Incredible:

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills --where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip --He who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you --the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm --

He will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more.

Thanks, Connie

Poster copyright 2009 kkd

Update

Well, my chiropractor never got back with me...and I haven't called him back. I don't want to mess with someone who is not committed, you know what I mean? I'm taking all the steps that I knew he'd prescribe anyway, except I'm not close to giving up chicken or fish.
I've been juicing every day. Connie is too, and we can bounce recipes back and forth...I pretty much stick to an anti-inflammatory recipe with ginger for arthritis. I also drink Pau d'arco tea with....100% organic catnip added. You heard me. I'm tellin' you, it is a safe and relaxing herb--unless I am allergic to it. So far, so good. I researched it mahself. Pain relief without the side effects...and my hands are feeling normal. I've also lost about 5 pounds.
I walk a mile a day.
I'm cleaning up my stinkin' thinkin' and looking forward, and laughing when it's hard to physically move forward.
So much to be grateful for, so many blessings. Gives me energy to be praying for my stepmom, brother, Ann, Bob, Barbara, Keven, Paige and hubby, and all of you who mean so much to me.

Trying to live like my prior post....

Man. So much suffering. Friends losing family. Friends losing jobs, but not bills. Friends having family troubles. Companies downsizing and closing plants. Friends who are sick and suffering. Running a prayer ministry is a blessing, yet can be difficult.

Sigh.

Does anyone have some good news to report? I'd really like to hear some good news.

Be still and know.....

I caught Joyce Meyer this morning. I have an afternoon gig at a school, but woke up a little later than usual (6 a.m.) and thought: Hmmm. Need to listen to Joyce this morning. She talked about peace. My life has been filled with much more peace since my last health scare. A little over a year ago, a chest xray showed a spot on my lung. 25 years ago, my lungs were filled with calcification from living with a smoker and a bout of bronchitis every year that I was at my folk's home. I nearly passed out when the doctor showed me my chest xray. 25 year old woman with lungs that looked like that. Add to it that my mom died of lung cancer 10 years after she quit smoking and you have the makings of a pot full 'o fear. As I was working on a mural a year ago, waiting for my appointment for a CT scan (they always make you wait at least a week, right?) my anxiety level was through the roof.

Slapping paint on a 2000 sq ft. mural, I could feel the fear rising. I was trying to concentrate on my work and ignore the fear. Finally, I got desperate and put my brush down. I got on my knees that day...nice, too, that it was a church I was working in....and pleaded with Father. I asked him to PLEASE, whatever was going to happen, I didn't care...but to PLEASE just give me peace about it! No more anxiety! If I was to live, please let me live on a day to day basis, not fearing the future. If I was to die, please let me live on a day to day basis, not fearing the future. I suddenly realized that I was praying for the same thing, either way, and the outcome made no difference; it was the peace of each day that mattered. A friend in the church, a man who ministers to prison inmates and battles his own demons staying sober and fighting Hep C came by later and told me my CT scan would be clean.

Something happened that day. The colors of everything became brighter. I noticed miniscule stuff. Tiny details. "Look at the shape of those leaves! Isn't that amazing? And they are so GREEN in January! Can you believe that?! See the little orange dots on there. Amazing!!" My family probably thought I was nuts.

I was a tad nervous on my CT day, but not crazily. I prayed in the spirit the night before and felt a healing occur. My CT scan was clean; nothing was remarkable. No calcifications mentioned.

So, when listening to Joyce talk about peace, I was reminded of that and even further back. My mom had become disgruntled with our church when the pastor had an affair with a member, and we stopped going. For some reason, though, she signed me up for vacation Bible school when I was still in elementary school. Yep, it was offered through the school, can you believe that? I had no idea what it was all about, but I remember packing a little sack lunch and going off to this place every day for a week. It was magical. We talked about stuff we never talked about in school--or at home. The teacher told us about God, and Jesus, and I was....intrigued and amazed. We walked out of the school one day and sat on the hill outside the school and ate our lunches as she talked more about God. It was summer in Iowa, but it was a breezy day. I still remember that one day, on the hill, being fed inside and out and hearing the Word of God. The cool breezes were tempering the hot sun and....life stood still. Just that place, that day, that moment...I existed, aware of He and I, together. The Now of being....The Stillness of knowing He is God. The peace.

I remember that day more than any other day of my childhood and it never really occured to me that it was the beginning of who I became in the Lord, that He has made a few standout days in particular for me to know that He is there. To remember those days reminds me to remember the importance of ONE day. EACH day. To sit on a heavenly hill and just BE, in His stillness. To rest in His arms, like a child.

To have peace.

Monday stuff

I got my bloodwork back last week. It looks better than it has in a long time, so I was wondering why I feel so bad. ANA has been 1:1200 for the last year and a half, which is way, way high...last one was 1:160. Much better. Low inflammation. My joints are worse, even, than my tissue pain. My wrists keep giving out. I've been exercising more, and my feet hurt. I thought, I'm not sure 20 more years of this is worth it.

It's been kind of depressing. I've upped many supplements and my energy has improved immensely, hence the exercise--which could be the pain cause. I've had to restrain a kid a couple of times, and had no problem during or after...but suddenly something changed.

I decided to go to the chiropractor this afternoon and work my way through doctors. I didn't plan on saying much...he's a great chiro and all, but never really impressed with me much. Except today. He told me he'd been at a conference about autoimmune processes and wondered if I'd like to be a guinea pig....just his cost for the supplements. Anyway, long story short...EVERYTHING he told me lined up with my inner voice telling me what I needed to do--today I have just had liquid smoothies and a veggie soup that I concocted. He tested me for allergies and, amazingly, I'm not allergic to things that I used to be allergic to. 30 day trial and not a lot of cost.

I had prayed this morning for SOMETHING, ANYBODY to listen and help me out here.

I hope this was an answer.